The Silliest Star Wars FanFiction Ever Written
by Lord Kristine
Summary: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away . . .
1. Crawl And Prologue

**A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away . . .**

 **STAR WARS**

 **Episode CD**

 **A Novel Destiny**

 _It is a period of peace. Although there are many political disputes that have yet to be resolved, the fall of the Empire has set the stage for an era of freedom and prosperity. The newly liberated systems are working as a single, unified power, determined to purge the galaxy of corruption._

 _Although civil alliances have been established in this universe, there exist untamed lands beyond the reach of even the most powerful individuals. The effects of these worlds have been concealed in the hopes of minimizing interdimensional conflict. Despite the efforts of reigning powers to prevent a crisis, a catastrophe of cataclysmic proportions is on the brink of erupting._

 _The Monarch Queen has taken it upon herself to ensure that this quadrant of the universe remains untouched. Little does she know that her presence will lead to a disaster beyond imagination . . ._

Somewhere in the cold recesses of space, not too far from Coruscant, a very peculiar ship appeared from out of nowhere. It was an unusual vehicle for several reasons. Most obviously, it was drastically different from the design of most transports. Its color was dark green in hue, but the forward-raked wings were pinkish and pale. The pointed nose of the ship was gold, lined with windows that seemed to be as clear as air. It was like something out of another dimension. In fact, that wasn't too far from the truth.

Although the appearance of the vehicle was strange, the creature piloting it was even more so. She was similar in shape to members of the Tchuukthai race, but she was clearly not native to this universe. No known animal shared her noble plates or glistening horns. From the tip of her beak to the spikes on her tail, not a single feature that defined her form could be pinpointed to any specific lineage. One might guess that she was the result of some kind of experimental breeding, or else a scientific experiment gone horribly wrong, but something about her white, feathered wings indicated that her existence was no accident. Although her identity was clouded in mystery, there was no doubt that she was a part of something grand.

There was also another animal sitting next to her, who was basically a rodent with a mustache.

The two outsiders made their way towards the looming planet, adjusting their course so as not to collide with a large moon. The rodent crawled up on a wide control panel and looked down at their coordinates, placing his tiny paws where there was free space.

"We're suspiciously close to 0,0,0," he remarked.

His scaly companion raised her eyebrow.

"I wanted to keep things simple. This is a large universe. A large . . . confusing . . . very hard to follow universe."

The rodent's nose twitched irritably.

"It's not _that_ hard. Not if you're into it."

"Which I'm _not_."

"You said that you had a passing interest."

"Passing?" the female echoed, "Passing means nothing. If you get a passing grade, you're basically average."

The rodent shrugged.

"I wouldn't know. I hardly went to school."

He hopped down from the control panel, landing in his companion's lap.

"By the way, is there a reason I have to look like this? I mean, it's not like we're going to be seen . . ."

"It's just a precaution," she replied, "If something bad happens, one of us should be small so that they can escape. It only makes sense."

"What if we need to fight our way out?"

"I'm prepared."

The rodent peeked past her arm.

"I don't think taping lightsabers to your tail counts as 'prepared'."

She lifted her thagomizer, examining the devices that were crudely attached to her spikes.

"Yeah, well, I don't exactly have hands, so . . ."

The rodent turned his large ears backwards angrily.

" _I_ could have hands. I'd be awesome at fighting. Just give me a lightsaber, and-"

"Darling, I don't trust you with a laser sword any more than I trust you with a broken glow stick," she cooed, "If I give you one of mine, it'll end badly . . . only this time, instead of mild chemical poisoning, we'll end up with missing limbs."

The rodent crossed his arms and sat down grumpily.

"Limbs don't count as 'missing' if they end up in the same room as you."

"Which they won't, because you'll find a way to screw things up really, really badly."

"You don't give me enough credit."

"I give you too much credit."

"You're really hot."

"You too."

They proceeded to suck each other's faces, leaning backwards against the control panel in a romantic (if somewhat disproportionate) embrace. As the saurian creature mooed happily, her plate brushed up against a big, red button that said "Do Not Push". In the blink of an eye, a secret hatch opened, sucking loose objects into the vacuum of space. The larger pilot grabbed the captain's chair, and the rodent wrapped his arms around her tail, whipping back and forth rapidly as they struggled to stay inside.

"AAAAAAAAAH! WHY WAS THAT BUTTON SO EASY TO PUSH?!"

Reaching forward with her horn, the larger pilot bashed the keyboard in panic. The hatch closed, and the pressure in the cockpit became stabilized. Breathing heavily, both passengers collapsed in relief.

"Holy cow. That was close," the rodent squeaked.

"Yeah. That could have ended badly."

As the larger creature curled her tail around her feet, however, she noticed that one of her lightsabers was missing. She looked out the window and saw the hilt tumbling through space, headed straight for Coruscant. The rodent caught sight of it too, and his whiskers drooped limply. The first pilot gulped and turned back to the control panel.

"It's no big deal. I'm sure it will burn up when it hits the atmosphere."

"I dunno . . ." the rodent muttered, "Maybe we should go after it."

The female scoffed.

"Oh, please. How much damage could a silly little laser sword possibly cause?"


	2. Being Jar Jar

Jar Jar Binks was well known for several reasons. First, he was a former senator. This was a great accomplishment . . . well, it _would_ be, if he hadn't inadvertently caused an intergalactic war, but he liked to remember around that part. Second, he stuck out like a sore thumb on the planet of Coruscant. Very few Gungans were able to travel as far as he had in his lifetime, so he was something of a foreigner in his district. Third, and most important of all, he had a tendency to make mistakes. Really, really big mistakes that almost always ended in disaster.

Regardless of how many catastrophes Jar Jar caused (most of them involving exotic animals and pies, respectively), he never seemed to learn his lesson. Experience and know-how slipped off of him with ease, and nothing ever really stuck to his poor, little brain. He was like a bar of soap, if soap was a hazard to anyone within a ten meter radius. He was a klutz, a fool, a schlub, and a moron, among other things. He just couldn't help it. Every time someone would scold him for his incompetence, his brief period of self-reflection would be interrupted by the appeal of something new and exciting, perhaps shiny. Jar Jar's attention span was worse than a Colo claw fish. As a point of fact, while there was a ludicrous myth that Colo claw fish had a memory of about three seconds, there was evidence to suggest that this was actually true of Jar Jar. Perhaps this was why he had a tendency to face the world with a naïve grin: he was simply too unfocused to do otherwise.

In any case, Jar Jar was enjoying his retirement on Coruscant. The same could not be said of his neighbors. He lived in a large complex with many unique individuals from all walks of life. Their one shared characteristic was their hatred of Jar Jar. It was hard to ignore the rascal that kept unintentionally cutting off the entire building's power, often electrocuting himself in the process. The landlord had suggested that Jar Jar simply avoid all electrical appliances, but a week of water-based disasters made him realize that a crisis of one kind was preferable to the alternative.

The best part of every week was when Jar Jar decided to leave his humble abode for a gentle stroll. He could explore his busy neighborhood freely, and his acquaintances would be able to enjoy a momentary release from his ever-aggravating presence. During his time away from the apartment, Jar Jar would take long walks across town. He only intended to be gone for a short while, but he got lost almost every time, resulting in an epic trek through bad neighborhoods and shady quarters.

During one such walk, Jar Jar found himself at a convention of some kind. There was a large crowd full of excited people, all ready to spend their hard-earned credits on tacky merchandise. Of course, Jar Jar knew nothing about the event, and proceeded to assume that-

"Mesa found a big party!"

Jar Jar strutted forward, his head bobbing loosely. To his left and right, merchants were selling various goods at special booths. A chorus of slimy pitches rang through the air like dissonant bells.

"Cheap Dejaric boards! Get the limited edition of your favorite game at a low, low price!"

"Nautolan tentacle enlargement! Half price for females!"

"Rare ion drive segments from Imperial Star Destroyers! Add a piece of history to your collection today!"

Jar Jar grinned and continued on his merry way. When he rounded the corner, a loud voice made him jump.

"Hey, you!"

Jar Jar turned and saw a yellow Ssi-ruu pointing at him.

"Yousa spake to me?" he asked.

The creature nodded.

"Of course, of course! Come here, friend, and I'll show you a product that's going to change your life!"

Jar Jar leaned in curiously. The Ssi-ruu pulled out a small, orange sponge.

"This, my friend, is a Zbonge: a revolutionary cleaning tool for the kitchen and otherwise! Doesn't matter what you spill, where you spill, or when you spill: the Zbonge will absorb all of your liquid mishaps!"

The merchant poured a thick, green substance on the table.

"Beezlenut oil staining your floor? Worry no more! With the Zbonge, your spill is nothing more than a distant memory!"

He wiped up the puddle with a single pass.

"Voilà! The mess is gone! The Zbonge is made of special fibers that soak, absorb, and sanitize like no other! It'll solve all of your problems, or my name isn't El- erm, I mean Kay'el. Yeah, that sounds better. Anyway, the Zbonge can be yours for only twenty credits, and as a bonus, I'll throw in a Sluggie for free!"

Jar Jar gave a wide grin.

"Mesa needs the Zbonge!"

He reached into his pocket and pulled out his change purse. The Ssi-ruu grabbed his coins greedily as they fell on the table.

"Thank you for your business, kind sir! I can tell that you're an expert in the realm of revolutionary products."

With a sly grin, he leaned forward.

"Might I interest you in another deal?"

***TSSWFEW***

Fifteen minutes later, Jar Jar skipped through the convention wearing a Sluggie, a Funnel Hat, and a necklace of Zbonges. He carried an inflatable Wookie under his right arm and a Miracle Mixer under the other. All in all, he was very happy with his purchases.

Jar Jar was about to leave the convention, but something caught his eye. There was a building nearby that was smothered with flyers advertising something called a "GoMe" campaign. Fascinated by the bright colors, Jar Jar followed the signs inside.

The sound of an enthusiastic voice became audible in the hall. As Jar Jar entered a large theatre area, he saw a young Toydarian gesturing to the audience with exaggerated actions. He pointed and waved his webbed hands, speaking in a too-bright tone of voice.

"You, there! Are you sick of being underestimated by your peers?"

A Twi'lek in the audience nodded shyly.

"Don't you wish you could prove to them that you're capable of so much more?" he pressed.

The Twi'lek nodded once again, then spoke quietly.

"My mom keeps telling me that I spend too much time on Forcebook and Twi'ller, but I can't help it if I'm popular. It makes me feel so blue . . ."

The Toydarian smiled.

"Sounds to me like you have a lot of friends. Does your mom think so?"

The Twi'lek shook her head.

"There's your problem!" the Toydarian crowed, "Sit down with your mother and tell her how you feel. Let her know how nice it is to have so many people invested in your everyday life. Then, shout 'GO ME!', and watch your problems disappear! Be loud, be proud, and get better results!"

He adopted a solemn expression.

"I used to be the loudest student in my class. I was teased by the other kids because of my upbeat attitude and killer smile."

He grinned, revealing crooked, yellow teeth.

"I never let them bring me down, because I knew that my exuberance was a talent, not a curse. That's why I'm so successful today."

He flapped his wings and hovered across the stage.

"You see? It doesn't matter what's eating you, as long as you can see the positive side of things. Every setback is just a blessing in disguise. Once you realize that it's never really your fault, you can shout 'GO ME!' and prove the world wrong."

Jar Jar rubbed his chin. Could it be true? Was everything bad that had happened to him simply the result of other people's ignorance? He had consistently and diligently faced the world with a positive attitude, so why did things always seem to go wrong? It must be because of other people. Of course! That made perfect sense! Jar Jar was the victim all along!

The Toydarian fluttered to the front of the stage and grinned.

"Alright, people! Say it with me! What do you say when the world is cruel?"

"GO ME!" the crowd shouted.

"What do you say when you're misunderstood?"

"GO ME!"

"What do you say to prove that it's never really your fault?"

Jar Jar lifted his arms, dropping his inflatable Wookie and Miracle Mixer, and cheered with the crowd.

" _GO MEEEEEE_!"

As the spectators lined up to buy expensive motivational holograms, Jar Jar removed his Sluggie and Zbonges, leaving them on the ground. What use did he have for silly trinkets, now that he could unlock his full potential? He strutted out of the building proudly, not noticing that he had dropped the Zbonges next to a power outlet, where they were starting to leak highly-flammable Beezlenut oil.

Once outside, Jar Jar made his way down the road, unaware of the massive explosion that erupted behind him. His naïveté was so great that he couldn't be troubled with earthly matters like hazardous fires or poisonous fumes (caused by a burning Sluggie, of course). He was fueled by the desire to find his purpose, and maybe, just maybe, redeem himself in the eyes of his peers.

He was so wrapped up in this thought that he didn't notice how far he had strayed from his usual getting-lost route. When he took note of his surroundings, he realized that he had no idea where he was, even by his standards of wandering. With a nervous shuffle, he made his way down a dark alley, hoping to find someone who could give him directions.

"Hidoe? . . ."

There was no reply. This could mean one of two things. A) Jar Jar was alone, or B) something scary was stalking him from the shadows. He chose to believe the second theory. With a panicked wail, he ran down the alley, until a fireball fell from the sky in a raging inferno of death.

 _BLAM_!

The blast sent him tumbling backwards. Jar Jar rubbed his head and babbled indiscernibly. When peeked between his splayed knees, he saw a smoking crater. As soon as he got to his feet (twice, because he fell down the first time), he began to tiptoe towards the massive hole. As far as giant pits were concerned, it was relatively ordinary, but something unusual caught Jar Jar's eye. A cylindrical shape was lying in the center of the mess, and judging by the way it was glowing, it was the reason the explosion had happened in the first place.

Jar Jar reached forward and touched the device. He pulled his hand back immediately, because it was hot to the touch. He blinked, then stuck out his tongue to lick the mysterious object. If he had a reason for doing this, it was known only to himself, for no person in their right mind would lick a foreign piece of metal with a high temperature.

Oddly enough, when Jar Jar's tongue touched the metal, it seemed to have cooled down. Taking it in his hand, Jar Jar stood up straight and shook it rapidly. This seemed to do nothing. When he rotated the device in his hands, Jar Jar noticed a red gemstone embedded in the side of the hilt. When he pressed it, a glowing, pink blade shot out from the top of the cylinder, casting a rose-hued light across the dark alley. Jar Jar stared at the humming object with awe.

"Ooooooh . . . Mesa found a lightsaber!"

Jar Jar knew next to nothing about Lambent or Midichlorians or anything else that made lightsabers function, but he was certain that not just anyone could operate a weapon such as this. Jedi were special for many reasons, and Jar Jar was pretty sure that he did not fit the bill. The only time anyone every called him "special" was when they ended their remark with "needs". How, then, was he able to control this device?

Slowly, the answer dawned on him. He was the chosen one. He was destined for greatness. There must be a prophecy that stated he would do noble deeds or defeat the dark powers of . . . something . . .

As Jar Jar began practicing his lunges and flips, the words of the Toydarian motivational speaker rang through his head.

 _It doesn't matter what's eating you, as long as you can see the positive side of things. Every setback is just a blessing in disguise. Once you realize that it's never really your fault, you can shout "GO ME!" and prove the world wrong._

It made perfect sense! All these years of being clumsy and oafish were simply caused by misunderstandings. No one could see the greatness in Jar Jar. Every "oops" had secretly been a brilliant move on his part: a Force-guided blunder that would lead him down the path of greatness.

This was his purpose.

This was his _destiny_.


	3. Thief

Aboard her ship, the Monarch Queen typed something on the control panel, taking care not to hit several keys at once with her pudgy fingers. Her rodent copilot climbed up on her shoulder, peeking at her work with interest.

"Tatooine?" he asked, "Why on earth are we headed to Tatooine?"

"We have business there," the Queen replied, "You can pose as a Scurrier. I'm not so confident that I could get away with appearing in person. Not unless I change."

"I dunno," a third voice cooed, "Add 'the Hutt' to your name, and I'm sure no one will ask questions."

The Queen turned around in her chair and faced the yellow creature who had appeared in the ship. The newcomer changed from a male Ssi-ruu to a female dragon. Glaring at her angrily, the Monarch Queen stepped down from her chair.

"What are _you_ doing here?"

The dragon shrugged passively.

"I thought I'd pick up a few Galactic Credits before you close off this universe for good. There are plenty of collectors in other worlds who would kill to own a piece of this franchise."

The Queen rumbled angrily.

"You have no right to mess with this world. Our job is to seal it off before the awakening of the Force, and if you mess something up, we might have to do a complete reset, which isn't healthy for the system."

"Just do a soft reboot. You seem good at that," the dragon hummed with a trace of contempt.

The rodent scuttled up to the top of his partner's head to get a better view of the dragon.

"I agree with C-. You shouldn't be messing with things down below."

The dragon scowled.

"And _you_ shouldn't be using her name."

"I have it blocked off," the Queen replied, "And let's make one thing clear: I'm only documenting this because I need to know if something went wrong. There is no story, so you can forget about whatever it is you have planned."

Slowly, a grin spread across the dragon's face.

"Oh, C- . . . you're so naïve. There _is_ a story, and it exists because of you."

The Queen was visibly puzzled by this remark.

"What do you mean?" she quavered.

"You're missing a lightsaber, are you not?"

The Queen looked at her tail.

"Yeah. So?"

"Imagine what would happen if it fell into the wrong hands. If the bearer were to assume that the weapon had found him for a reason, he'd be ready to fulfill a destiny that doesn't actually exist."

"The hell are you on about?" the rodent squeaked.

"Jar Jar Binks has the lightsaber, and you've ruined everything," the dragon laughed, "Honestly, I expected you to screw up somehow, but this is worse than I ever could have imagined. Congratulations on being the dumbest animals in the Universe."

The Queen growled.

"Go home, you lousy dragon! No one asked you to be here."

"No one elected _you_ , but you don't hear _me_ complaining."

"You complain about it all the time."

"Yeah, but you don't always _hear_ me."

The Queen rolled her eyes.

"Alright, enough is enough. Either help us with this problem, or head home. It's up to you."

The dragon pouted.

"You're no fun . . . Fine. I'll help you, but I'm only coming to your rescue because I want everyone to know how incompetent you are, and how you'll never measure up to your predecessor."

The Queen sighed.

"Alright. What do you propose we do?"

The dragon tented her claws malevolently.

"We must take matters into our own hands . . ."

***TSSWFEW***

Jar Jar waved his lightsaber around eagerly, still hidden away in his lonesome back alley. He would never get tired of the way it hummed and groaned in his hands. It was just about as noisy as he was. If he could find a way to use it without cutting off his own limbs, he could become the most bombad Jedi in the galaxy. With a delicate twirl, Jar Jar squealed happily.

"My gonna be a Jedi!" he cheered.

Catching himself, he cleared his throat.

"Oops. _Me_ gonna be a Jedi."

That still didn't sound right. Jar Jar went through several variations of his sentence.

"Mesa . . . Erm, I going to be . . . Me am going to be . . ."

He sat down an put his head in his hands.

"Oh, this-a Basic is hard."

Jar Jar had always spoken fluent basic, but years and years of encountering other species with their own dialects made him realize that his way of speaking was somewhat . . . goofy. He was far from self-aware, but statistically speaking, most of the comments he received regarding his language were negative. This led him to believe that he was doing something wrong. Well, maybe not _wrong_ , but _wronger_ than everyone else. Knowing this, Jar Jar cleared his throat and put his hands on his hips.

"Hey- Hello! My name . . . _is_ . . . Jar Jar Binks. Me . . . _I_ am a Jedi Knight. I am destined for great things."

Jar Jar grinned in satisfaction. He had no idea that he could sound so convincing. He was practically a Jedi already! Bowing deeply, Jar Jar practiced his lines.

"Hello. My name is Jar Jar Binks. I am a Jedi Knight. I am destined for great things . . . Hello! My name is Jar Jar Binks! I am a Jedi Knight! I am destined for great things!"

Had anyone been around to witness his performance, they might have told him that he sounded like he was choking on a gorg. There was a big difference between saying something and saying something well. In Jar Jar's case, he was most definitely saying it _not well_. Regardless, he went on believing that he was uttering words on par with the poetry of Spacespeare. He even found himself standing a little taller than before.

With a joyful bound, Jar Jar jogged back towards his apartment, lightsaber in hand. As he swung his arms, the pink blade hummed and thrummed. It did not occur to him to turn off the device while he was walking.

Eventually, he tripped. As Jar Jar fell, he dropped the lightsaber. The blade missed his face by inches. Before it could fry his body, the rose-hued beam sunk back into the hilt, somehow detecting that it was no longer being held. The device rolled across the ground until a foot stopped it. A hooded figure had appeared from out of nowhere. Jar Jar looked up at the ominous shape and gulped.

"Hello. My name is Jar Jar Binks."

The mysterious person did not reply. Jar Jar stood up slowly and put his hands on his hips.

"I am a Jedi Knight," he continued, "I am destined for great things."

The cloaked figure picked up the lightsaber and turned it around in his gloved hand. He cocked his head, then looked up at Jar Jar. Although he could not distinguish any facial features in the darkness of the hood, Jar Jar felt as though a pair of eyes was burning through his very soul. He was scared stiff, but he mustered up all of his courage and waved at the man timidly.

"That is my lightsaber. Yousa- I mean- Can you give it back to me?"

The specter did not move. Jar Jar felt his stomach knotting up uncomfortably.

"Moole lightsaber. It belongs to me. I need it."

Suddenly, the cloaked figure spun around and darted away. Panicked, Jar Jar followed him out of the alley. After turning a few corners, Jar Jar nearly ran into a dense crowd of miscellaneous creatures. He looked around for the lightsaber thief, but he was nowhere to be found. Jar Jar tugged on his haillu and squealed unhappily.

"Hep! Hep! I've been robbed!"

A large creature pushed him to the side with six beefy hands.

"Out of my way, Gungan."

Jar Jar grunted and stumbled backwards. He attempted to penetrate the crowd again, this time seeking help from a young, female Wookiee.

"Scuse me, but my need hep berry bad. Mesa-"

"RAA-AA-AA!"

The Wookiee slapped him away. Jar Jar fell backwards, rubbing his cheek. He ran back and forth at the edge of the crowd, looking for any trace of his lightsaber. After a few seconds, he became still. A lump was forming in the back of his throat, and his vision was becoming blurry. He felt his lip quivering pathetically.

"Hep . . . Please . . ."

Suddenly, he was snatched up by a set of sharp claws. He screamed as the ground grew small beneath him. Looking up, he could make out the shape of a large, yellow creature darting through heavy air traffic.

"Putsa me down!"

The creature laughed.

"Your inconsistent code-switching won't save you now! You're going to pay a visit to the Monarch Queen!"

Jar Jar gasped as he was carried through a large hatch that led into a cloaked ship. After rounding a corner, the monster dropped Jar Jar. He tumbled across the ground, landing at the feet of a pudgy, green animal. She stared down at him and blinked, her thick eyelashes making a quiet smacking sound.

"Oh, _this_ is Jar Jar Binks. I thought he was one of those little teddy bears . . ."

"Ewoks?" a rodent asked from the other side of the room.

"Gesundheit," she replied, "Anyway, you didn't have to be so rough, E-. We didn't need him in a hurry."

The dragon shrugged and trotted into another room.

"I care about you so little that I won't even bother to come up with a sassy reply. Peace."

The door closed behind her. The green creature rolled her eyes and turned her attention back to Jar Jar.

"Hello, there. You have something that belongs to me. I'm missing my sword-"

"Lightsaber," the rodent corrected as he picked his nose idly.

"I'm missing my lightsaber, and I need it back as soon as possible," the creature continued, "Technically, I'm on an undercover mission, so if you could make this as painless as possible, that would be great."

Jar Jar shrunk away shyly. The creature hummed and thumped her tail against the floor.

"Look, you'd better do as I say. I'm trying to be nice about it."

"She's the Queen, you know," the rodent added passively.

"Yousa like Queen Amidala?" Jar Jar asked.

The Queen nodded.

"Yes, exactly like Queen Armadillo. I'm part of the . . . uh . . . Hey, O-, what do they call the government here?"

"There are lots of governments," the rodent replied.

"That doesn't help."

"Just tell him you're important."

"I already did."

"Good."

The Queen snorted and turned back to Jar Jar.

"So, anyway, Mr. Binks, I was hoping that you could give me my lightsaber now. Just hand it over, nice and easy. Can you do that for me?"

Jar Jar shook his head.

"It was stolen by a thief."

The Queen groaned in exasperation.

" _Of course_ it was. I should have known that this would happen."

She turned to the rodent.

"Change our course. We're going to pay this thief a visit."

The rodent typed something into his control panel.

"That might be a little hard to do, C-. According to our tracking device, he's all the way on Hoth."

"Speak English."

"It's called Basic, here," he muttered, "You know that really cold planet?"

"The one with snow and robot camels?"

"Yeah. He's there. He must have made a jump."

The Queen sighed.

"Alright. Let's go to this . . ."

"Hoth."

"Let's fly to Hoth. It's the only way to get my sword back. Let's just hope that this thief is in a good mood."

Jar Jar raised his hand.

"Can I come too?"

The Queen rolled her eyes.

"Fine. Whatever. Don't touch anything."

And with that, they sped towards the ice planet.


	4. Chitchat

Being a tag-along, Jar Jar didn't understand the context of the group's mission. Of course, all he really cared about was getting his lightsaber back, but the Queen seemed to want it too, which might prove to be a problem. In any case, Jar Jar was perfectly content with his arrangement, because he would never have been able to pursue the thief on his own.

During the voyage, Jar Jar picked up on a few interesting tidbits. The Queen and the rodent were supposedly married, and the dragon was connected to their family somehow. She didn't like the Queen, mostly because she thought that she wasn't doing as good of a job as whomever had been in the post before her. The dragon was bitter and sardonic, and often made flirtatious remarks towards the rodent for some reason, though she seemed to be doing it for comedic purposes. All three of the strangers had a weird habit of referring to their actions in a bizarre, surreal kind of way. They used terms such as "chapters" and "narration", generally disregarding the reality of their situation. It was far too complicated for Jar Jar to understand, and more often than not, he felt as though he was being left out of a joke. Fortunately, they didn't seem to mind his presence all that much, so there was that . . .

"You're not that bad, you know," the dragon slobbered as she munched on a red fruit, having changed into a human, "I mean, I can tolerate you more than some, but you're genuinely not that annoying right now."

Jar Jar blinked.

"I don't understand."

She nodded.

"My point exactly. You haven't been using all of that 'Mesa' and 'Yousa' crap. I'm guessing something convinced you to try and imitate a more sophisticated dialect, yes?"

Jar Jar nodded.

"I am a Jedi now."

The dragon laughed.

"That'll do it, alright! My guess is that you'll slip back into your old accent during moments of emotional weakness. It's all very poetic, you see . . . Haha! It's like poetry: they rhyme."

From the front of the ship, the Queen scoffed.

"Not everything is a metaphor, you know."

The dragon smiled.

"Actually, it is. Take this apple, for instance. In real life, a person can eat an apple, and the implication is nothing more than the painfully obvious: they're eating an apple. When _I_ eat an apple, however, it symbolizes something. See, the very fact that something is shown in a fictional universe indicates that there is meaning behind it. Things don't happen _just because_. If a noteworthy happenstance is being focused on, there's an ulterior motive."

The Queen snuffed.

"Alright, so what does the apple symbolize?"

The dragon shrugged.

"Lust, probably. Or else it was put here to prompt us into this lovely debate. Perhaps it serves both purposes. It's all up to interpretation, and I don't mean that in a pretentious way."

"It came off as _very_ pretentious," the Queen retorted.

"Whatever," the dragon grumbled, "You wouldn't know much about literary principles, being a simple, banal cow."

The Queen turned as if she was about to challenge this remark, but decided against it. She tensed her leg muscles and leaned against the control panel.

"Are we nearing the snow planet?"

"Hoth?" the rodent asked from his seat, "No, we still have quite a ways to go."

The Queen gave an agitated hum.

"Can't you boost us into that fast thing? You know, the thingy where the stars go all funny?"

The rodent scratched his head.

"I'm not sure what you mean."

The Queen swished her tail.

"I don't know what it's called. Is it hyperspace, or am I thinking of Star Trek?"

The dragon growled and tossed her apple core to the side.

"Okay, can we make one thing clear? If you _ever_ mistake this for Star Trek, I'm going to have to get mad at you. Call me a nerd if you want, but everybody should friggin understand Star Wars to a basic degree. It's like mixing up a stop sign and a yield sign: even if you're a new driver, you should have learned the difference through cultural osmosis."

The Queen whipped around angrily and stamped her foot.

"I'm getting real sick of your shit!"

"Please substitute that with a fictional curse word."

"Fine!" the Queen barked, "You're a stupid photon-face!"

The rodent chirped in warning.

"Guys, stop. E-, if you're not going to be helpful, there's no reason for you to be here."

The dragon scowled.

"My reason for being here is that you two will mess this up. So far, we have only one character present, and he just happens to be the most annoying creation in film history! Furthermore, you've made our quest part of the story, forcing us into a poioumenon style, which completely contradicts everything that this franchise stands for. You need to keep things simple. O-, you know this. You understand what Star Wars is."

The rodent folded his ears humbly and gave a look of cautious pride.

"I . . . I'm out of the loop. Whatever Star Wars meant to me as a child, it's gone now."

The dragon sneered.

"Fine. Whatever. If I need to take control of this story, so be it. Ping the beacon on the lightsaber. When we have its approximate location, we'll explore the planet in groups."

The rodent crossed his arms.

"We haven't even reached Hoth yet. How do you propose we get there?"

"Plothole."

"What is?"

"No, we need to open up a plothole," the dragon clarified, "If we fly through it, we'll end up on Hoth."

The Queen frowned.

"But we could just use that funny star thing, right? Why do you want to risk our lives? It makes no sense!"

"And that's why it's a plothole," the dragon said flatly, "Just trust me on this one: we need to find where this mysterious man is hiding. He obviously wants something from us."

"Do you know who he is?" the Queen asked.

"My guess is that he's secretly George Lucas," the dragon replied, "I'll bet that he has some beef with us being here in the first place, and at a key moment, most likely in the second act, he'll reveal his true identity. I'm calling that now."

The rodent rolled his eyes.

"Speculate all you want. What's important is that we find this stupid lightsaber."

The dragon huffed.

"I remember when this franchise used to be simple. Of course, we're not ruining it first, so at least the blame doesn't fall on our shoulders alone."

Jar Jar cocked his head. He wasn't sure he understood these strange people, but even if he could, he probably wouldn't want to know about whatever it was they were referring to.

***TSSWFEW***

When they landed on Hoth, the dragon provided everyone with a winter wardrobe. Much to her chagrin, the Queen received a neon snowsuit that would be worn only by lunatics with no fashion sense. Jar Jar got a relatively neutral parka, and the rodent got a glass bubble which was heated on the inside. According to the dragon, it would be a crime to cover up his "sick abs" or some such. They split into groups, the dragon pairing off with the Queen and Jar Jar pairing off with the rodent. It wasn't an ideal combination, considering something as small as a scurrier would have a hard time keeping Jar Jar out of trouble (not to mention the fact that the dragon was threatening to cut open the Queen and sleep inside of her), but no one argued it for fear of sparking another heated debate. And so it was that Jar Jar found himself trudging through the snow alongside his rodent companion, who skittered along in his transparent sphere. They didn't speak for a long time, but the rodent eventually broke the silence.

"You know, I expected you to be talking nonstop."

"Why?" Jar Jar asked.

The rodent shrugged.

"Oh, I don't know. You've built up something of a reputation where I come from."

"I has?"

"Mhm. E- was right about your language, too. You've changed your speech patterns."

Jar Jar beamed proudly.

"I am a Jedi Knight."

The rodent shook his head.

"Look, I wasn't going to say anything, but I feel the need to explain to you that you are _not_ a Jedi. Having a lightsaber doesn't change who you are, especially since it belongs to C-."

Jar Jar pouted.

"But mesa gonna fulfill a prophecy."

The rodent chuckled.

"Prophecy isn't all it's cracked up to be. Trust me on this one."

Jar Jar frowned in confusion.

"My no understand."

The rodent sighed.

"It's a long story. Look, don't worry about it. Everything is gonna be alright. We'll contact this mystery man and get the lightsaber."

"And when we finds it, I can have it back, ya?"

The rodent made a sound that Jar Jar couldn't say was one hundred percent clear. It was almost like he was avoiding the question. Jar Jar was about to ask again, but the rodent coughed loudly.

"So, you've learned how to speak proper Basic, right? How long did _that_ take?"

"I been picking it up for long, long time. Am I good?"

"It's still a little broken, but I can understand you just fine. Do you speak any more languages?"

"A small little."

"Really? Show me."

Jar Jar cleared his throat.

"Dopa na rocka rocka?"

The rodent laughed.

"Nice. I can't claim to be bilingual, but I picked up a few choice phrases from my friend. C'est un talent utile, mais mon grammaire n'est pas très bon. De toute façon, je dois seulement savoir comment dire 'voulez-vous couchez avec moi'."

Jar Jar clapped his hands. The rodent gave a little bow.

"Thank you. Thank you. I'll be here all week . . ."

They continued to stroll through the snow, a little more spiritedly. After a while, the rodent's smile faded away and was replaced by a consternated frown.

"It feels strange being here for real. I'm used to seeing this world on a screen. It meant a lot to me, you know. When I was a kid, I used to dream of being Luke Skywalker."

Jar Jar did a double take at the mention of a familiar surname.

"All the other kids wanted to be Han Solo," the rodent continued, "I was different. My opinions were not very popular. My favorite movie was Return of the Jedi, for example. Nobody agreed with me. That didn't change my mind, though. Something about seeing Darth Vader defend his son . . . My father left when I was little, and I guess a part of me always hoped that he'd come back."

He took a shaky breath.

"But he never did. I . . . I still wish he had. I didn't want myself to be ruled by his memory, but it was so hard to let him go . . ."

The rodent steadied his breathing.

"But that's all in the past. I have C-, now. She's the most important person in my life. Her and L-. She's my daughter."

Jar Jar grinned.

"You have a child?"

The rodent smiled and nodded.

"I love her to bits. She's my world."

Jar Jar rubbed his chin.

"So, she is your daughter, and her mother is the Queen?"

"Yep. And L- is the princess."

Jar Jar cocked his head.

"Are you the King?"

The rat laughed.

"No. I'm just married to royalty. In our world, there's a ruler, and their family is incidental. L- is only a princess because she earned it on her own. From what I understand, she would have been a Queen, but there can only be one Queen, and that would be C-."

"So, if she a-croaks, L- will be the Queen?"

The rodent shuddered.

"I don't like to think about that. If I ever lost C- . . . Well, you know how it is."

Jar Jar didn't exactly know what he meant. Not personally, at least. He knew _of_ love, but as far as actually being in it was concerned, he had had just about as much success as he did with any other aspect of his life. Even so, he knew that there was a fierce bond between some couples he came across, and this rodent and his saurian wife might demonstrate that same connection.

"I understand," Jar Jar stated.

The rodent nodded.

"Yeah."

After a moment, he took a deep breath.

"You know, I was wrong about you. Well, not _completely_ wrong, but . . . Look, you're alright. I know you're probably working hard to be a better Gungan, and that's good. They say that there's a certain point when you have to grow up . . ."

He closed his eyes.

"God, I don't know what I'm saying. I guess it's all well and good to save the day accidentally, but it's far better to actually want to do things the right way."

Jar Jar nodded vigorously.

"Ya, ya! And that's why I be Jedi Knight!"

The rodent folded his ears back angrily.

"No! No, you aren't! Haven't you been listening? You _can't_ be a Jedi! You can talk different and act different, but you aren't allowed to be a _Jedi_!"

"Why not?"

"BECAUSE IT'S TOO IMPORTANT!"

Jar Jar was stunned by the rodent's sudden outburst. He himself seemed a little surprised that he had started shouting out of nowhere, and quickly composed himself by taking a deep breath. He licked his paw and ran it over his head.

"Forget it. You're not worth it. Lift me up so I can get my bearings, okay?"

Jar Jar picked up the glass ball and held it over his head. The rodent scanned the landscape, then pricked his ears.

"There! Do you see it?"

Jar Jar turned to where the rodent was pointing. Sure enough, there was a structure in the distance.

"Wesa be exploring that?"

The rodent snorted.

"No, stupid. We're going to wait for C-. You think it's smart to go in there alone? God, I overestimated you. Moron."

Jar Jar looked down sadly. For a moment, it had almost seemed like the rodent was his friend, but he was just like the others. Jar Jar should have been used to this criticism by now. _Should have_.

No matter how many times he was scolded, it never stopped hurting.


	5. Behind It All

"I think we should go in."

"Yeah, you said that already. It's still a bad idea."

"Why?"

"Oh, I dunno. Maybe because the person we're looking for _has a laser-sword_!"

"Exactly. We need to get it back."

"By risking our lives?"

"Well, we can't just sit here and do nothing. Open door's an invitation."

Jar Jar traced patterns in the snow with his glove. The rodent and the Queen had been arguing for a very, _very_ long time. The dragon had advised them to reach an agreement as quickly as possible in order to "fix the flow of the story", but after a minor spat, she backed down and decided to fly around idly. Jar Jar had been fascinated by the way she twirled through the sky, at first, but once he realized that it was the aerial version of pacing, he lost interest.

Truth be told, he was starting to get annoyed with his crew. He had no issue with being a useless tag-along, but all of this bickering was enough to make him wish that he'd never joined their squad in the first place. They were supposed to be friends (and spouses in the case of the rodent and the Queen), but all three of them seemed to treat each other like garbage. Jar Jar had never seen anything like it. If this was what friendship was supposed to be, he was glad that none of his old acquaintances ever bothered to contact him anymore. Sort of.

Jar Jar still missed his Jedi companions, and longed for the good old days when his tomfoolery led to minor shenanigans, rather than war or political crisis. He wished that he could be back on Naboo with his friends and family . . . Well, maybe not his _immediate_ family. Jar Jar had one thing in common with the rodent: his father had never really cared about him. He wasn't sure whether his furry friend had experienced anything more than neglect, but in Jar Jar's case, his father actively loathed him. It was the kind of thing that made his insides twist when he thought about it, so he preferred not to.

"Family troubles?"

Jar Jar screamed shrilly as the dragon appeared behind him. She cuffed his neck somewhat forcefully.

"Hey, don't freak out, okay? I'm not going to eat you."

"Yousa scared me!"

The dragon chuckled.

"Ah, there you go with all of that Gungan-talk again. Like I said: moments of emotional weakness will bring out your obnoxiousness."

"Is that a direct quote?" a third voice interjected.

The dragon scowled at the Queen as she approached them.

"Maybe, maybe not," she huffed with irritation, "I can't be bothered to remember my conversations verbatim. Have you reached a consensus yet?"

The Queen sighed.

"Yes. We're going to walk straight into the base and find a way to negotiate with whomever stole the lightsaber. Then we'll drop Jar Jar off at Kuruskan."

The dragon grabbed her head and made a pained noise.

"Urrrgh! Your mispronunciation physically hurts me!"

The Queen rolled her eyes.

"You know I couldn't care less. O-'s the one who's invested in this universe, not me. I'll be glad once we're out of this mess. Hopefully, we can reset the canon without much difficulty."

"After we confront George Lucas, that is . . ." the dragon grinned.

The Queen slapped her forehead.

"God, you're stupid. Do you ever get tired of being wrong about everything?"

"I'm always right."

The Queen swung her tail with frustration.

"Fine. Whatever. Let's get this over with."

***TSSWFEW***

As the group entered the mysterious fortress, it became apparent that the thief was expecting them. Certain doors were unlocked, and they seemed to be leading in a particular direction. They left their coats (and glass ball) by one of the doors, as the building seemed to be heated. Despite the comforting warmth, the whole situation seemed rather suspicious. Many times, the dragon would shout "It's a trap!", but nothing sinister really happened on the way to wherever it was they were going.

When they stepped through a massive door that led to a vast chamber with a domed ceiling (undoubtedly their destination), everyone was visibly uneasy. Even the Queen, who did her best to hold her head high, couldn't conceal the fear in her eyes. The four of them stepped carefully towards a large throne at the opposite end of the room. Whomever was sitting in it had their back turned to the guests, and was probably waiting for them to come closer before initiating a proper greeting. Sure enough, when they were only a few feet away, the chair turned slowly to reveal-

"J. J. Abrams?!" the dragon gasped, "What the hell? We spent all of this time and effort tracking down a mystery villain, and it's not even George Lucas?! I feel cheated."

The man frowned.

"You're not impressed? I thought this would be a big twist. It's not every day that an Overworldian enters Fiction."

The dragon crossed her arms and sat down grumpily.

"I wanted to see an evil George Lucas, you talentless hack."

The Queen glared at her, then cleared her throat and stepped closer to Abrams.

"Please ignore my immature advisor. We're all very impressed to see you here, but we're a little confused as to why you're interfering with our quest."

Abrams shrugged.

"You came into this world and dropped a lightsaber on Coruscant. I need to direct a new movie soon, and I can't have Jar Jar Binks running around with a giant, pink glowstick."

The Queen blinked in surprise.

"Is that all?"

Abrams quirked a brow.

"You expected more?"

The Queen twisted her beak awkwardly.

"Well . . . I mean . . . it's just that most villains we encounter have an elaborate backstory based on revenge or something. It's become commonplace."

"You're disappointed that my motivation stems from mild irritation?" he asked flatly, "That's kind of counterintuitive. Shouldn't you be glad that I didn't go into a long monologue explaining the intricate details of my plan?"

The Queen nodded.

"Yes, yes. We are. It's kind of refreshing, actually. Does this mean we'll be able to negotiate civilly?"

Abrams stood up.

"We don't even need to go that far. Send Jar Jar back to where he came from and wipe all traces of your interference from this world. I'll give you the lightsaber if you can do those two things."

The Queen laughed with relief.

"Great! That's what we were planning to do anyway. This solves all of our problems!"

Abrams smiled.

"Well, I'm not one for unnecessary drama. In fact, I might just give you the lightsaber now and be done with it."

The Queen's face lit up.

"Really? Wow, this is great! I can't tell you how thankful we are for your cooperation."

Abrams pulled the hilt of the lightsaber from his pocket. Jar Jar reached for it instinctively, but the dragon pushed him back with her tail. Abrams flicked the weapon gently, and the blade shot out with a low hum. He held it in front of his chest, his face lit by the pink light.

"This is an impressive weapon. I guess that goes without saying. It's a good thing it didn't fall into the wrong hands."

For a moment, the Queen's face showed a fleeting trace of apprehension, but she replaced it with a knowing smile.

"Yeah. I shouldn't have been so careless. I'll put it somewhere safe when we get back home."

Abrams nodded slowly.

"Yes, yes. That would have been a wise thing to do in the first place. But we all make mistakes . . ."

Again, the Queen seemed puzzled by his odd tone of voice, but she didn't act upon her mistrust. She allowed Abrams to approach her with the lightsaber in hand. If she felt uncomfortable, she wasn't letting it get in the way of her negotiation. The rodent, however, was frowning with suspicion. Jar Jar watched him crawl over to his wife slowly.

"I'm sure you'll do a good job of clearing everyone's memories," Abrams said smoothly, "I'd expect no less from someone of your royal standing. I've heard many stories about you . . . silly stories, in fact."

The Queen backed up slightly.

"Oh . . . Yeah, I know what you're referring to."

Abrams smiled.

"Yes, I'm sure you do. You must be used to this kind of fame by now."

The Queen lifted her spiked tail slightly. It seemed like a defensive pose.

"I am. We've been to many worlds, but it's time for us to leave this particular universe. Give me the lightsaber, and we'll go."

Abrams stopped walking.

"Why so tense? Don't you trust me?"

She nodded rapidly.

"I do, I do. I'm just anxious to get it back, that's all."

Abrams laughed. It was an unsettling cackle that made the Queen's plates flutter with fear.

"Perhaps you should have thought of that before you stuck your nose where it didn't belong . . . isn't that right, _Claire Dearing_?"

Before the Queen had a chance to react, Abrams leapt forward and thrust the glowing blade into her chest. The rodent gasped and ran up to her.

"CLAIRE!"

Abrams laughed as she sunk to her knees.

"Thought you could do a crossover with Star Wars, did you? Well, you were wrong . . . soon to be _dead_ wrong. I _own_ Star Wars now, and there's nothing you or Colin Trevorrow can do about it!"

The dragon screeched and spread her wings.

"Hey! Leave him out of this!"

She tried to snap at him, but he lifted his hand and repelled her with an invisible barrier.

"Fool! Jurassic World belongs in Jurassic World, and nothing you say or do will defeat the power of Star Wars! Our franchise is stronger than yours, and soon, the entire Neoverse shall be ruled by a new Queen!"

The dragon coughed and lifted her claw.

"Queen or King. Don't be sexist."

"I'm not being sexist!" Abrams snapped, "I have someone picked out, so I already know the gender of your future ruler."

The dragon gasped.

"It's Rey, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"Called it!"

During this exchange, the rodent had been scurrying around the Queen in panic. Being so small, he didn't have any way to carry her to safety. With tears in his eyes, he turned to Jar Jar and folded his ears back angrily.

"Don't just stand there! Do something!"

It had not occurred to Jar Jar that he was _capable_ of "doing something". He had been frozen in shock, and what's more, he had no idea what was going on. It was like watching a star explode: he could recognize the tragedy behind it, but there was nothing he could do to stop it. The rodent, apparently, was convinced that he was able to help. But he must be mistaken.

Jar Jar wrung his hands nervously and glanced at Abrams and the dragon, who were in the middle of a duel.

"Whatsa me gonna-"

"SHUT UP AND HELP ME CARRY HER, YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE OF AN ALIEN!" the rodent snapped.

Jar Jar stumbled over to the Queen and tugged on her arm. She made a distressed lowing sound. Jar Jar realized that it was unwise to drag her by one limb when she was bleeding out of her chest. He placed both hands on her side and tried to push her into a standing position. After a few seconds, he fell back.

"Too big! She's too big!"

"Try again!" the rodent barked.

Jar Jar squeaked nervously as the lightsaber's hum grew louder. When he turned around, he saw Abrams walking towards him menacingly. The dragon was recovering from a nasty gash on her arm. She obviously wasn't going to risk another injury, which meant that Jar Jar was at the mercy of the crazed director.

"Well, well, well. It looks like you're in a fix. Tell me, how easy would it have been to hold me back while I was fighting your scaly companion? Even simpletons are able to act out of passion, but you just stood there while I attacked your friends."

Jar Jar backed up, but found that he had nowhere to go. The Queen was behind him, and she wasn't about to move. He could try running for the exit, but it was very possible that he'd trip over her tail . . .

"You're planning on abandoning them," Abrams chuckled, "I can see it in your eyes. Did it ever occur to you that leaving your friends to die would be a cowardly act?"

It hadn't. Jar Jar wasn't even thinking about what would happen to the three of them if he ran away. Maybe that was the problem.

"Are you feeling remorse, Jar Jar? Is there even enough room in your brain for such an emotion?"

Jar Jar put his hands on his hips.

"Yousa a big meanie!"

Abrams cackled.

"You have _no_ idea . . ."

He lifted the lightsaber so that the tip of the blade was directly beneath Jar Jar's chin. He whimpered pathetically.

"I ought to kill you now and get it over with," Abrams sneered, "But I can't. You're far too valuable. I'm sure there are billions of people in this galaxy who would pay good money for the right to finish you off. I hope the highest bidder takes his time with your execu- YOW!"

Abrams shook his leg in panic as the rodent climbed up his pants. Although he was small, he had sharp teeth, and was able to bite through his jeans. Using the momentary distraction to her advantage, the dragon dashed over and grabbed the Queen and Jar Jar. Abrams swung his lightsaber at her, but she flapped her wings and lifted herself off of the ground. The rodent jumped on her tail as it zoomed past, holding on for dear life. Abrams stomped his foot.

"GUARDS!"

The dragon flew back through the tangle of hallways, dodging shots from about ten blasters. She was moving so fast that the closing doors couldn't keep up with her. They were going to escape . . . unless one of the guards shot them down, of course.

"Don't worry! They have terrible aim!" the dragon shouted as though she was reading Jar Jar's mind.

Flying through the halls at a dizzying pace, the dragon managed to shoot through the last door before it closed. The gang soared over the snow rapidly, their combined shadows flickering on the uneven terrain. The cold air was almost unbearable without their coats.

"Head for the ship!" the rodent cried, somewhat unnecessarily.

The dragon snorted and beat her wings faster, desperate to make it to safety before the freezing temperature killed them all. They had almost reached the ship when it burst into flames. The dragon screeched and turned around.

"They blew it up! Everyone, hang on!"

She adjusted their altitude until they were at a dizzying height. Then, without warning, she went into a nosedive.

"Wesa gonna crash!" Jar Jar shrieked.

"Shut up, hang on, and trust me!" the dragon snapped.

She folded her wings against her body, and a glowing light appeared around her. The ground was rushing up to meet them. It was getting closer . . . closer . . .

That was when Jar Jar blacked out.


	6. Cave

When Jar Jar awoke, he was confronted with a strange sight. The room he was in seemed to be a small ice-cave of some sort. The smooth walls were supported by packed snow, and there didn't seem to be any windows or doors. It was like being in a frozen dome. In the center of the room was a small candle, which gave off a gentle, orange-pink light. It lay between Jar Jar and the other escapees, flickering weakly. The dragon had her left wing folded protectively over the Queen, who was lying on her side with one of her feet extended forward beside her chin. Her wound had been dressed, and she was breathing with less difficulty than before. Even so, she was in rough shape. Her beak was parted slightly, and it looked like she was in a troubled sleep. The rodent was perched on her cheek, nuzzling her snout tenderly with his forehead. He ran his tiny paws across her scales, then kissed her eyebrow with his fuzzy lips. His whiskers drooped sadly when she didn't respond.

Jar Jar rubbed his eyes with exhaustion, still lying on his side. He stretched out his legs and wiggled his toes, then pushed his haillu over his shoulders as he propped himself up on one elbow. The dragon gave him a brief side-glance before turning her eyes back to the Queen and the rodent.

"He's awake," she announced unenthusiastically.

The rodent's eyes flitted to the side, but he was clearly more concerned with his ailing wife. Jar Jar sat up and blinked, moving his stalk-eyes around to get a better look at the cave.

"Where are-"

The dragon held up her claw to silence him.

"Shush. The Queen is trying to rest, and your voice is obnoxious."

Jar Jar gulped and laced his fingers together humbly.

"And if I spake normal?"

"It won't help."

Ashamed of his misstep, Jar Jar hugged his knees and stared down at the candle. He considered blowing on it to pass the time, but decided that it would be a bad idea, lest he extinguish it accidentally. After an awkward pause, he risked speaking again.

"The Queen, she hurt bad?"

"Badly. Yes," the dragon said plainly, "But that's none of your concern. We're going to send you home as soon as possible. You'll be back on Coruscant before you know it, and it will be like none of this ever happened. You can go back to whatever it is that you do and forget all about us. Not that you ever cared anyway, considering you did nothing to help us when we were attacked."

Jar Jar's lip quivered.

"Mesa sorry."

The dragon didn't respond. Jar Jar cleared his throat and spoke louder, thinking that she hadn't heard him.

"Mesa-"

"I heard you," the dragon said calmly, "There's no need to apologize. It's our fault for involving you in this. We should have known better than to allow a complete klutz to participate in our expedition. Just be patient. We'll send you home soon."

Jar Jar didn't _want_ to go home. He wanted to make sure that the Queen was okay, because she was his friend. He crawled over to her slowly, his knees making the grainy floor crunch. When he reached out to touch her beak, the rodent wheeled around and bared his teeth.

"Get away from her! This doesn't concern you."

Jar Jar pulled his hand back remorsefully and scooted across the cave. He sat near the dragon's chest with his back against the wall. He looked up at the domed roof and frowned in puzzlement.

"What's this snow-place?"

The dragon's nostrils twitched. She clearly lacked the patience to explain their situation to someone who tended to be rather dense. Seeing that the rodent was busy, she sighed and looked at Jar Jar.

"We're underground. I used magic to get us here, and that's all you need to know."

Jar Jar blinked.

"Why the nutsen man be chasing us?"

No one answered him. He looked up at the dragon helplessly. She sighed and folded her ears back in frustration.

"Look, it makes no difference to you, so you don't need to know. You'll be home soon, and-"

"Why he chase us?" Jar Jar repeated, more firmly.

The rodent turned around and flicked his tail angrily.

"If you really want to know, he has an issue with the way things are being run. Specifically, what this big, yellow idiot started. Abrams-"

The dragon thumped her tail against the ground.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's get one thing straight: that man is _not_ J. J. Abrams."

"What?!" the rodent spat.

"He's not J. J. Abrams," the dragon repeated, "He's only using that shape as a cover. I can tell because his inflection is different from the real Abrams. I've seen him in interviews, and there's no doubt that we're dealing with an imposter here."

"Who is he, then?" the rodent growled impatiently.

"No idea," the dragon sighed, "He's probably related to me. Most people who pretend to be famous directors are secretly members of my family with some kind of vendetta against me. I apologize if this is the case. I hate to drag innocents into my personal drama."

Jar Jar cocked his head.

"Mesa no understanden."

The dragon rubbed her forehead with two claws.

"Look, if it will get you to shut up, I'll tell you what's going on. We're from another world- another _franchise_ \- that is very close to yours in the land of Fiction. We came here to make sure that everything was ready for a new movie. Well, Claire did, at least. I wanted to profit off of this world while I still could."

The rodent nodded.

"And I'm a jerboa because-"

The dragon snorted.

"There's no need to tell him why you're not human or why Claire's a winged stegoceratops. Unlike you, he has no reason to believe that this is odd. I guess now that the cat's out of the bag, though, we should tell Jar Jar that the fact that you're a rat is extremely odd without context. Not that it matters, since he'll be gone soon . . ."

Jar Jar swallowed the lump in his throat.

"I want to help."

The dragon gave him an neutral glance. When she saw that he was being serious, she clicked her beak lightly.

"That's nice, but I don't think you can help us. You're not exactly the hero type, if you don't mind me saying."

Jar Jar felt his heart tremble. The dragon's statement made him feel not-so-good. In fact, it made him feel _bad_. He thought about what Abrams had said about him being a coward. Maybe he was right. Maybe Jar Jar wasn't capable of helping his friends, even if he tried. All of a sudden, shouting "Go, me!" was starting to look like a foolish idea. It wasn't the world's fault that Jar Jar couldn't succeed: he alone was to blame. With a quiet whimper, Jar Jar buried his face in his hands.

"Mesa sorry . . . Mesa sorry . . ."

He perked up when he heard the Queen shifting drowsily in the snow. She groaned quietly, moving her front foot across the floor. Her stubby toes made shallow grooves as they moved, and Jar Jar noticed that she had bled on her leg at some point. Apparently, they had been in the dome long enough for her breath to melt the snow beneath her beak. It was alarming that she had remained in the same position for so long, which made her awakening all the more important. Her eyes fluttered open. Immediately, the rodent scuttled up her snout and dangled from her face, looking into her left eye while he wrapped his tail around her horn.

"Claire?"

She tried to focus on him. After blinking a few times, her gaze became steady. She gave him a look of recognition and took a deep breath.

"Owen . . ."

He gave a sigh of relief and closed his eyes.

"Oh, thank god, thank god . . ."

The dragon craned her long neck around to get a better look at the Queen.

"Are you feeling okay?" she asked, pricking her ears with interest.

The Queen nodded drowsily, her jaw bobbing in a way that was unsynchronized with the rest of her skull.

"I feel like I was recently stabbed in the chest, but other than that, I'm just dandy," she muttered with a trace of irony.

The rodent slipped down her snout and scurried over to her bandages. When he saw that she was bleeding through the gauze, he bit his lip.

"We need to get you to a space-hospital or something. Do you think you can move?"

The Queen tried to push herself upright with her front feet, but went limp shortly after and gave a pained moo.

"It's still hurting," she rasped, "Are we in a hurry to leave?"

"No, no, of course not," the rodent cooed, "We'll take as much time as you need. There's no rush."

Suddenly, there was a loud crunching sound above them. The gang looked up at the ceiling in panic. The rodent gulped and tried to lift the Queen's foot.

"Then again . . ."

A deep cracking sound rattled the room. The dragon leapt to her feet and spread her wings.

"They're digging us out!"

Slithering away from the Queen and the rodent, the dragon began cutting into the wall with her horns. Jar Jar got to his feet and ran around the cave in panic, screaming shrilly. After a second, he thought better of it and went to dig with his friend. She seemed surprised that he was helping, but didn't attempt to stop him. Jar Jar pulled large clumps of snow away from the wall, letting them fall to the ground. His hands were cold and wet, but he kept digging.

A loud snapping sound indicated that Abrams and his followers were close to reaching the group's dome of safety. The dragon winced and stopped digging.

"We won't make it out this way. Any ideas?"

The rodent gulped and wrung his tail nervously.

"You said that you can make plotholes, right?"

The dragon rumbled uneasily.

"Yes, but it's not a good idea. Now that Fake Abrams is in charge of the universe, it's unlikely that we'll be able to escape his sphere of influence. I'd like nothing more than to take us home, but if he follows us, we'll be putting our friends in danger."

"What are our options?" the rodent asked.

The dragon rubbed her chin.

"We can travel within this universe. We might be able to buy some time by escaping to another planet, hopefully a civilized one. By the time he catches up with us, we'll have figured out a plan, I'm sure. If we can get our hands on a ship, we might be able to-"

The ceiling started to cave in. The rodent squeaked in fear and dodged a hail of snow. He ducked under the Queen's leg and covered his head.

"Whatever you're planning, do it fast!"

The dragon nodded. She closed her eyes, and the room was filled with a bright light. As huge chunks of ice began to tumble down, the four occupants shimmered in a dazzling display. The candle was snuffed out by a small avalanche, and their luminous shapes became the only light, save for a few broken beams that shone down through the cracked ceiling. They could hear a mob shouting above them. Among them was the person who was posing as J. J. Abrams. He seemed eager to get his hands on the four of them. He was using the pink lightsaber to cut into their half-bubble, melting the snow in a greedy attempt to capture them. His hand burst through the ceiling.

By the time the cave was exposed, they were gone.


	7. Cantina

As it turned out, the team's improvised escape led them to a shady part of Tatooine, specifically the janitor's closet of a small cantina. Immediately, the dragon abandoned the group to (as she put it) stalk Bea Arthur, making the rodent rather furious, as his wife was still severely injured. Jar Jar risked peeking out of the door as the tiny creature tended to the wound. The bar was filled with various creatures, some of which Jar Jar couldn't identify. They were certainly an ugly bunch, and most of them didn't look too friendly. When the Queen's wound had been cleaned, the rodent joined him in spying on the clientele. His whiskers twitched delicately as he scanned the room.

"Wow. Hard to believe this place is still around, considering it's been . . . how many years since the fall of the Empire? . . ."

The Queen coughed behind them.

"Not defined. The franchise is in limbo. I suspended the semi-canon works before coming here."

The rodent nodded.

"Yes, well, I assume a few years had passed before you did, because Jar Jar looks a lot older."

Jar Jar pulled his head back in surprise.

"Have we met before?"

"No."

"How-"

"Shut up. You don't need to know."

The Queen gave an angry rumble.

"Calm down, Owen. He's just asking. After being dragged around like this, it's only natural that he'd wonder about a few things."

The rodent folded his ears back.

"Don't use my name, or _he_ will too."

"What's so bad about that?" the Queen asked.

The rodent's eye twitched.

"What's . . . What's so _bad_? Claire, he's- Oh, forget it. You wouldn't understand."

The Queen frowned.

"I'm not sure I appreciate that tone of voice, especially since I'm not feeling so great."

The rodent sighed and skittered around Jar Jar's foot. He hopped over to his wife and gave her a gentle peck on the beak.

"I'm sorry. I just don't like him all that much. Can't we stick him in the middle of the desert or something?"

The Queen turned to Jar Jar with a sardonic frown.

"Isn't my husband a piece of work? Sometimes, I don't think he remembers that you have ears. Rather large ones, in fact."

Jar Jar blinked. He could tell that the Queen was joking, but he didn't understand why she was so merry, given the circumstances. She beckoned him over with a sly grin.

"Hey, Jar Jar. If we're going to be working together, you ought to know my name. Call me Claire."

The rodent groaned.

"Oh, no! Don't let him use your name! I don't want you to be ruined by association . . ."

Claire smiled sassily.

"What, are you bugged by this?" she cooed, "Are you bugged, you little rat?"

He crossed his arms, pretending to be unfazed by her teasing, but when she nuzzled his back, he burst out laughing.

"How is it that you know exactly how to make me angry while also making me love you infinitely?"

"It's just my job as-"

Before she could finish the thought, she started hacking. The rodent snapped to attention, placing his paws on her beak with concern. When she was done coughing, she cleared her throat.

"Sorry. Not feeling great. We should probably get out of here soon."

The rodent nodded.

"Yeah. If you-know-who ever comes back . . ."

At that very moment, the dragon stuck her head through the door.

"Bea Arthur isn't here. I guess she's not canon. Bummer. How are you guys holding up?"

"Not good," Claire replied, "I mean, I'm feeling a little bit better, but I'm not about to do cartwheels or anything. I'd like to find a ship as soon as possible."

The dragon folded her ears back uncertainly.

"Yeah, but here's the thing: ships require money, and all of my credits were on the old one . . ."

Claire sighed.

"Shit. We'd better find a way to get another vehicle, even if we have to steal it."

"Do you have any magic?" the dragon asked.

"I'm using most of it to heal myself."

Jar Jar reached into his pocket brusquely and pulled out a few coins.

"Take my mula."

Claire looked down at the money in his hand, then back up at his face. He reached out further.

"I almost went scram in the nutsa man's house. You take mula as apology."

Claire smiled.

"That's okay, Jar Jar. You keep your money. We'll find a way to earn credits."

The dragon changed into a human.

"Pole dancing. Go it."

Claire held her back with her tail as she attempted to leave.

"No. There has to be a better way. We don't need to demean ourselves."

"Drug deal. Got it."

Again, the dragon-girl attempted to leave, only to be held back once more.

"We need to think of a way to earn cash that doesn't involve using illegal substances or jiggly parts," Claire stated reasonably.

"You sure? Some of the people here look like they're ready to . . . _enter the dragon_ . . ."

There was a long silence.

"Maybe we can get a loan," the rodent suggested, ignoring the previous comment entirely.

"How? We have no ID," Claire pointed out.

"We might not need it. Who knows how this crazy system works? Conversely, it might be better to operate outside of the law. Maybe we can hire a smuggler or something."

Jar Jar gasped.

"Oh, no! Dat's a berry bad idea . . ."

"We could explain that I'm a Queen," Claire suggested.

The dragon shook her head.

"Your title might not mean anything here, and even if it did, the only people it would matter to would be the ones who are after us."

Everyone seemed nervous after this comment. Jar Jar still wasn't sure exactly what was going on, but he knew one thing: seeing his friends upset made him feel uncomfortable, so the logical thing to do would be to find a way to fix whatever was wrong. Peeking out the door shyly, Jar Jar spotted a few discarded instruments in the corner of the bar. With a wide grin, he wheeled around and lifted his arms gleefully.

"I has an idea! We all play music so we get much mula, and we use dat mula to buy a ship!"

The rodent frowned in puzzlement.

"You're suggesting that we play music for this seedy crowd? I don't think these guys are particularly generous."

Jar Jar rubbed his arm with embarrassment.

"Well, maybe if we play good, theysa gonna give us a little bit . . ."

The rodent snuffed.

"Forget it. They won't pay us, no matter how well we perform."

The dragon lifted her claw.

"However, if we perform well in bed-"

"Owen, maybe we should give it a shot," Claire interrupted, ignoring the dragon completely, "We're in a lot of trouble, and if there's even the slightest chance that this will get us closer to our goal, it's worth our time."

The rodent folded his ears, obviously unhappy that his wife was suggesting that they go along with Jar Jar's plan.

"Look, do we even _need_ a ship?" he stressed, "Can't we just pool our magical resources and head back home? I'm sure our friends would help us if this situation breaks into war."

"That's out of the question," Claire snapped, "I will not bring this conflict back to our homeworld. It's _my_ fault that this whole mess started. Whoever this fake J. J. Abrams turns out to be, I think it's safe to say that he has significant power. Not only does he know about the Overworld, but he seems to be using some sort of dark magic, which means that he could be a threat to us all. Now, when we came here, I made an arrangement with the King of Fiction-"

The dragon gasped and dug her claws into the floor.

"WHAT?! He didn't say anything about this! You've turned my own grandson against me!"

"I've done nothing of the sort," Claire snuffed, "In fact, _he_ was the one who contacted me in the first place. Remember how I said that I have business on Tatooine? Well, according to him, there was some suspicious activity down here. The real purpose behind this mission was to investigate what was going on. I was hoping to apprehend whoever was causing these disturbances- I didn't know it was Abrams at the time- and I was informed last-minute that the suspect was on Corus- Corusc- the city planet. When dear old E- showed up, I assumed we had been picking up her signal by accident."

The dragon rolled her eyes.

"Don't go blaming _me_ for all of this . . ."

"I'm not," Claire affirmed, "I'm just saying that I was open to the possibility that there was nothing sinister happening on the city planet. Then this whole lightsaber business happened, and I decided to resolve that first. Little did I know that the thief was the man I was looking for all along."

The rodent nodded.

"So, where does that leave us now?"

"We don't need a ship, necessarily, but we need some sort of ground transportation."

"A speeder?" the dragon suggested.

"Sure," Claire muttered, "If we can investigate the source of this disturbance, it might be the key to stopping fake Abrams."

"And what kind of a disturbance are we looking for?" the rodent asked.

Claire shrugged.

"No idea. All I know is that someone sent out a distressed prayer that somehow got tangled in the fabric of Fiction. I'm pretty sure its impact has something to do with the fact that fake Abrams is messing with the story created by real Abrams. If we don't fix this by the time the new movie comes out, bad things will happen."

"What kind of bad things?" the rodent wondered.

"That's the scary part: I don't know," Claire whispered solemnly, "I have no idea who sent the prayer or why, but I could sense the distress in her words. She seems to be important, this girl."

"What did the prayer say?"

"It said . . . Please, if anyone is listening, I need your help. I can't live like this. He promised to set me free, but I can sense that he's lying. Whatever he has planned, it's beyond my power to stop him. I'm starting to lose hope . . . And then it ends with a few minutes of sobbing."

The rodent ran his fingers through his hair.

"Yikes. That doesn't sound good."

"I know," Claire replied, "That's why I think it's best to go to her aid now. She might have information on how to defeat fake Abrams. Trouble is, we don't know who this girl is or where she happens to be at the moment. Our only hope is to wander around aimlessly on a speeder, searching the planet city by city. In order to do that, we need to find a way to buy the vehicle- WITHOUT TAKING OUR CLOTHES OFF!"

She stood up and pulled the dragon back, then winced in pain. Sitting back on her haunches, she placed her front foot over her bandages and sighed. The rodent rubbed his head against her knee in comfort.

"Things aren't looking good right now," Claire whispered, "I'm badly hurt, you're tiny, E- doesn't know how to help us, and- . . . where's Jar Jar?"

They searched the room in panic. Jar Jar was nowhere to be found. With wide eyes, they piled up by the door and saw him standing in the center of the room with something that looked like a banjo. He cleared his throat and started strumming the instrument.

"Lalalala . . ."

One of the bartenders threw a pot at him. He ducked out of the way without missing a chord.

"Lalalala . . ."

"Get out of here, Gungan!"

Jar Jar gulped. Knees shaking, he began to sing a slow melody.

"My name is Jar Jar Binks, and I want to be just like one of you.

I know I do not quite fit in, but sometimes I think I could be happy too.

There's one thing that I need, though I know it won't be mine in the end.

I would trade most everything I have, yes, if it would mean I'd gain a friend."

There was a heavy silence. Jar Jar was too busy looking down at the floor sadly to notice that Claire was giving him a look of sympathy. He lifted his stalk-eyes when she started clapping. It was the only sound in the bar. When she stopped, a creature that looked like a wolf cracked his knuckles.

"Hey, it's the bozo that gave Palpatine emergency powers!"

Jar Jar bit his lip.

"Uh-oh . . ."

Suddenly, the bar broke into a riot. Jar Jar found himself being flung to and fro by a group of drunken aliens who were much too keen to pull on his haillu. Just when it seemed like he was about to be torn to shreds, there was a shrill whistle, and a very naked girl stood up on the bar.

"Look at me! I have boobs!"

As the focus of the mob shifted, Jar Jar scurried back to the janitor's closet, only to find that his companions weren't there. He was afraid that they'd abandoned him, but he was scooped up by Claire's horns without warning.

"Aiiiiiiiiie!"

"Relax. I'm just bringing you to the inn. Owen nabbed some guy's wallet while you were singing. We decided to rent a room, since it's getting late."

Jar Jar looked at dragon-girl, who was dancing in the middle of the crowd.

"What about the yallaw dragon?"

Claire rolled her eyes.

"She'll be fine. I'm sure she'll catch up with us once she's made a pretty penny."

"Okeeday."

As they made their way down the street (with a little bit of difficulty, since Claire was still recovering from her injury), Jar Jar adjusted himself so that he was seated comfortably behind her frill. She thundered over to a humble building and let him climb down.

"By the way, thank you for trying to help us," she said kindly, "You did a good job."

It took a solid hour before Jar Jar could process the fact that he had been praised.


	8. Sleepless Night

Late at night, a sandstorm hit Mos Eisley. Jar Jar had heard stories about travelers losing their vision in the desert because grains of sand would get trapped under their eyelids, and whenever they blinked, their eyes would be scratched up until they bled. He wasn't sure whether or not this was true, but he didn't like the idea of any kind of storm, let alone one that caused so much stinging. Fortunately, the group was safe in the inn, and the howling winds of Tatooine did little to disturb their slumber.

Claire was snoozing peacefully in the corner of the room with her husband curled up on her horn. Jar Jar knew that the jerboa's name was Owen, but he vaguely remembered that he wasn't supposed to call him that. He had heard it straight from the horse's mouth, in fact. Perhaps it was a cultural thing. Jar Jar would have liked to _believe_ that it was, but his heart told him that the rule was targeted at him specifically. Despite their somewhat friendly conversation on Hoth, Jar Jar was sure that Owen hated him. In any case, Jar Jar liked Claire, and he wouldn't mind being friends with the rodent, if he wasn't so rude. As for the dragon, he didn't know what to make of her, especially since she had returned from the bar in a daze, asking if there was such a thing as "space peyote", and how long "space peyote" was supposed to last. When no one answered, she proceed to inform them that she was probably high on "space peyote", and proceeded to start making out with the sink faucet for no apparent reason. She seemed to be doing okay now, and was snoring on a pile of cash and underpants (both accumulated during her little spree). Unfortunately, she puked in the middle of the night, and the noise woke up Jar Jar.

As he tried to get back to sleep (the dragon had already managed to do that, if collapsing in a pile of vomit counted as sleeping), he stared at his traveling companions in the darkness. He was still debating with himself whether or not he was allowed to call them his friends, because they had certainly been kind to him. They even offered to give up the only bed in the room, since Claire was afraid of bleeding on the covers. Jar Jar wouldn't usually think of this as something important, but he was starting to notice the generous things people did for him. Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that no one really needed him. He was a simple tag-along, after all, so they had no reason to treat him so well, considering he offered nothing to the group. Then again, it had been that way before.

Jar Jar sighed and sat up in bed. His eye-stalks drooping miserably, he trudged out of the room, leaving the door open a crack. He made his way downstairs and started pacing back and forth in the lobby. He had a lot of things to think about, and he wasn't really sure how to go about it. He asked himself what a Jedi would do in his position. Perhaps they would meditate. Jar Jar closed his eyes and tried to rid his mind of all thought. For a moment, he thought that he wasn't thinking, but the simple fact that he was thinking about not thinking indicated that he was thinking. He grabbed his skull dizzily. All of this reflection made his head hurt. He wasn't sure he liked it.

"Can't sleep?"

Jar Jar screamed in fright. He wheeled around and noticed the rodent strutting up to him. When they were a few feet apart, the jerboa leaned against the wall casually, pricking one of his ears. Jar Jar let out a sigh of relief.

"Oh, it's-a you. Yousa gave me a fright."

Jar Jar laughed jovially, but the rodent didn't laugh with him. He stepped backwards nervously as the fuzzy animal gave him a spiteful glare.

"Why are you up?"

"Mesa- I not sleep well. You?"

The rodent didn't change his demeanor.

"I came here to tell you something."

"What's-a that?"

The rodent hopped up to Jar Jar and crossed his arms.

"You're not welcome here."

Jar Jar placed his fingers on his chest with worry.

"Yousa be talking to me?"

"Yes. I'm most definitely talking to you. I don't like you, Jar Jar Binks. No one does. You may think that you've won Claire's sympathy by acting all cute and innocent, but I know better than she does."

Jar Jar gulped.

"But Claire, she's-a very smart, yes?"

The rodent nodded.

"She is, but she doesn't understand. Her kindness is getting in the way of her judgment. You can't stay with us."

"Why not?"

"You're a menace," he stated calmly, "If you continue to follow this group, you will cause a disaster that could very well get us all killed. You are not brave, you are not noble, and you can't be a Jedi. You are nothing. You are less than nothing, because you are Jar Jar Binks. You ruined one of the most important franchises of the Neoverse, and you don't even seem to care."

The rodent began to crawl across the room. Jar Jar watched him nervously.

"Do you know why I am the way I am? It's because of you. I used to think that I would grow up to be someone important, but you proved me wrong. I tried to get away from everything that had to do with the prequels. For years, I pretended that I never liked Star Wars, because your image was associated with it. I had to give up the one thing that I could relate to . . . I had to give up my childhood. You ruined everything. Everything but Han Solo. I became a Han Solo, but I wanted to be a Luke. Every time I thought I could be like my hero, I kept hearing your voice. You ruined Star Wars, and you ruined me. That's why I'm all alone. My father is never coming back, and I feel stupid for ever believing that he would."

Jar Jar knelt down in front of him.

"Mesa sorry, but yousa have no reason to be blamen me for what happened with your faddur. Mesa not the reason he be leavin you. Dat was his own fault."

The rodent sneered.

"Shut up. Don't you dare say another word. I don't care whether you speak English or Gungan or whatever. I don't want to hear anything that comes out of your mouth."

Jar Jar looked away in shame.

"Actually, my goen to tell you a secret. Yousa gotta promise not to tell anybodees. My forgotten most of my language. It been many, many years since my goen home. Mesa berry much afraid of what the udders will be sayen 'bout me after what my did. Now mesa all alone . . . like you."

"I don't _care_ , okay?" the rodent snapped, "Just stay away from me and stay away from my wife. We don't like you."

Jar Jar rubbed the back of his neck uncertainly.

"But Claire said-"

"You will _not_ call her by her first name, understood?" he barked.

Jar Jar nodded in defeat.

"Okeeday . . ." he whispered sadly.

"By morning, I expect you to be gone," the rodent said in a threatening tone, "I don't care _how_ you do it, but you _will_ leave use alone. Don't leave a note, don't tell anyone what you're doing, and don't try to say goodbye. You need to disappear without a trace. Am I making myself clear?"

Jar Jar nodded.

"Berry clear."

"Good. If you manage to screw this up, you won't like what comes next."

The rodent sneered and turned back to the staircase. He had a hard time climbing up each step, it seemed. Jar Jar was about to help him, but he figured it was a bad idea. The rodent didn't like him all that much, and getting involved with anything he did was unwise. With a deep sigh, Jar Jar sat down against the wall and rested his arms on his knees.

"Mesa in big doodoo this time . . ."

***TSSWFEW***

Rey was unhappy. In fact, she was downright miserable. She was on the brink of collapse, not only on an emotional level, but also physically. Although she was used to a desert biome, she had never been caught in a sandstorm before. Well, it wasn't exactly her choice to be out here in the first place, but there was nothing to be done about it. She just had to keep on moving until she found what she was looking for.

Rey hated deserts for many reasons, not the least of which was the fluctuating temperature. After a long day of nearly burning up, she found herself almost freezing to death in the cold night air. The wind wasn't helping, either. Fast-moving sand swept over her body, making it sting painfully. It wasn't as bad as it would have been in normal circumstances, but it was still enough to make her wince. She trudged across the barren landscape, opening her eyes every now and then to see if she was nearing civilization.

When she caught a glimpse of dark buildings in the distance, Rey began to run. She panted as she sprinted through the sand, sputtering when she unintentionally inhaled a mouthful of the terrible, grainy stuff. She kept forgetting that she no longer had a scarf to protect her face, nor any clothing at all, for that matter. She was absolutely naked, but she had bigger problems to worry about. Luckily, by the time she reached the town, the winds had calmed down. Exhausted from her journey, Rey collapsed in the sand, taking a momentary pause. Rolling over a couple of times, she allowed herself to rest her aching muscles. Her feet felt like they had heartbeats of their own.

After a few minutes, Rey stood up and rubbed the sand off of her body as best she could, then lumbered down the dark street. Although she was hoping not to get caught, she was willing to risk it for even a single drop of water. Having journeyed through the scorching desert, she was in desperate need of a drink. When she spotted a covered trough, she ran over and tore the lid off violently, sticking her face in the cool liquid. As she lapped up the water greedily, she grabbed the sides of the structure and leaned in, not caring about how foolish she looked.

When she pulled her face out of the trough, chin dripping with water, she caught sight of her undulating reflection. She stared at herself for a very long time. Slowly, she reached up and touched her cheek. Tears began to trickle over her fingers. She closed her eyes and turned away from her reflection.

This deal was getting worse all the time.

***TSSWFEW***

"She's a few blocks away from the inn. Should we tell her where they are?"

"No. Not yet. Send in the troops and burn it down. If they escape, we'll have her take over from there. I don't trust that she'll kill them on her own. She needs proper motivation."

"Very well. Should we tell her to stay put, then?"

"Let her wander around for a while. She needs to understand that no matter how much control she has over her own actions, she is never truly free. She belongs to us now."

"What if she turns on us?"

"She can't."

"What if she tries? . . ."

"We'll have to kill her, too."


	9. Rey

Jar Jar was crying. He didn't intend to do such a foolish thing, but as he walked away from the lonely inn, he couldn't stop himself. He was torn up about that fact that he couldn't say goodbye to the people he had come to love. He wanted to tell Claire that he was infinitely grateful that she had been so kind to him, and that he would have liked to have been her friend. He wanted to tell the rodent that he was sorry for inadvertently causing him so much pain, and that he'd make it up to him if he could. He even wished that he could thank the dragon for providing a distraction while the three of them fled from the cantina, and perhaps even promise to repay her somehow. It felt wrong to be abandoning them like this, without any kind of farewell. Jar Jar knew that he wasn't supposed to leave a note, so he left all of his money behind instead. He hoped that his actions wouldn't upset the rodent.

It was awfully cold out, even though Jar Jar was walking through what was basically a desert. He rubbed his upper arms, hoping to warm himself up. He was so busy thinking of ways to stop himself from freezing to death that he didn't notice a fat, green tail lying in his path. He tripped over it and fell flat on his face. The creature that the tail belonged to gave a surprised moo and turned around. Jar Jar sat up and stared at the beast. It was a green dewback. The reptile moaned miserably, obviously sluggish from the low temperature. Jar Jar stood up and walked up to it hesitantly. When he was close enough, he rubbed the animal's snout. It pulled away at first, but Jar Jar gave it a hug.

"Yousa freezing too, yes? Wesa keep warm together, my think."

The reptile lowed gently and allowed him to wrap his arms around its neck. Jar Jar smiled very faintly and patted it.

"Maybe you can carry me somewhere safe. I can protect you from the scary things out there. I was a Jedi for a little bit."

The dewback snorted. Jar Jar smiled sheepishly.

"Well, maybe I am lying a little. I felt brave enough to be a Jedi, though. It didn't last long."

The dewback sat down on its belly, letting out a tired moo. Jar Jar leaned up against it and sighed.

"You know, I thought that maybe I could be brave for my friends. I would'a done anything for them. I tried to, yesterday. I played music for scary, scary people. If I had my lightsaber, I would have fought for Claire and Owen and the yallaw dragon."

The dewback didn't seem to be listening. Jar Jar put his chin on his knees and held his ankles.

"I guess I'm not much without it. That's why Owen doesn't like me. I'm not a proper Jedi. He likes the Jedi. He doesn't like me."

The dewback mooed somewhat aggressively. Jar Jar gave it a side-glance.

"You don't care either, do you? But you _would_ care if I had my lightsaber. If I could get it back, I'd be a real Jedi. Then I would have friends."

The dewback seemed deeply uninterested in his story, so Jar Jar decided to stop talking. It was a good thing he did, because at that very moment, a group of suspicious-looking men and women appeared from behind a building. Although Jar Jar had no reason to fear the crowd, they made him very nervous. He crouched down beside his reptilian companion and watched them move down the road. When they reached a certain point, the leader of the group pointed to the right, and they rounded the corner. Jar Jar tried to convince himself that nothing was wrong, but he was absolutely certain that they were headed for the inn. His gut was telling him that these people were followers of the imposter Abrams, and if they were, his friends were in a lot of trouble.

Jar Jar stood up and started to run towards the inn, but he stopped himself after a couple of steps. He wasn't supposed to go back. The rodent had told him that he never wanted to see him again. Of course, this was a dangerous situation, and he now had the chance to warn them about what was going to happen. If he didn't intervene, they could be captured or killed. Then again, what was the alternative? If he were to take action, he might make the situation worse. The rodent was right about him being a menace. Nothing good could come from this.

Jar Jar waited. He couldn't tear his eyes off of the place where he had last seen the squadron. They were probably nearing the inn by now. It was beyond Jar Jar's power to help his friends.

There was a bright flash, then a defeating bang. Jar Jar fell backwards in shock. The dewback reared up on its hind legs in panic. As thick tongues of fire licked the sky, Jar Jar felt his heart drop. There was no doubt which building had been set ablaze. His friends had been attacked, and he had willingly given up his chance to intervene. Why hadn't he tried to warn them? There was no way they'd make it out of the building alive!

Jar Jar fell to his knees and let out an agonized wail.

Then, all at once, his hope was restored. A yellow figure shot out of the fire, carrying a shape that was probably Claire. Their flight pattern was sporadic and unsteady, and Jar Jar began to worry that they were hurt. As they drew near, he realized that the dragon was still suffering from the effects of whatever she had ingested that evening. She spun around out of control and crashed into a nearby building, sliding down the wall until she hit the ground. Jar Jar perked up when he saw that all three of his friends were alive and well. Claire's feathers were somewhat singed, and Owen had a notch in his ear, but they were mostly unharmed. Claire coughed noisily and stood up.

"We shouldn't have stayed in one place so long. They found us."

"Dunwurrywurallokay," the dragon slurred.

Claire looked around in panic.

"Wait, where's Jar Jar?!"

"I'm here!"

He sprinted forward, forgetting about his promise to Owen. He laughed with relief and wrapped his arms around Claire's neck.

"Mesa sorry. Mesa so, so sorry. My should have stopped them. My should have warned you."

Without intending to, he began to sob heavily. Claire patted his back with confusion.

"Um, Jar Jar, were you out here the whole time?"

He nodded.

"Uh-huh. Just like yousa wanted."

Claire frowned in puzzlement.

"I never told you to leave."

"But yousa didn't want me around no more."

"What are you talking about?"

For once in his life, Jar Jar picked up a social cue. The rodent was looking at him nervously, and he realized that Claire was not aware that they had had their late-night discussion. Jar Jar gulped and put his hands behind his back.

"My thought my heard you say something, but mesa probably dreaming."

The rodent looked up at him with an unreadable expression. Jar Jar was about to ask him whether or not he was welcome again, but the sound of slow footsteps through the sand made him freeze. Fake Abrams strutted towards them confidently, arms crossed.

"Did anyone ever tell you that you're very hard to kill?"

The dragon sneered.

"Alright, you imposter: tell us who you _really_ are before I rip your face off like Scooby Doo."

Fake Abrams cackled.

"Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? I'll bet you're dying to know my true identity. Isn't it ironic that you're supposedly an author, yet you haven't guessed the simple twist?"

The dragon lifted her claw.

"Actually, that isn't irony," she lectured, "It's just a thing that doesn't make sense."

Fake Abrams sneered.

"Regardless, I'm sure you'll be surprised to learn who I truly am."

He lifted his hand, and his body was engulfed in black flames. When he was visible in his true form, Jar Jar felt the world collapsing around him.

"Faddur?"

George R. Binks glowered at his son.

"Yes, it is I. For countless years, I've been trying to undo the mess you've made. It's time to take my revenge."

The dragon slapped her forehead.

"Of course! It's so obvious! But tell me this: why do you all of a sudden have satanic powers?"

Binks sneered with contempt.

"When you have a son as disappointing as Jar Jar, you will turn to _anyone_ for help."

Claire's eyes went wide.

"The bull. He made a deal with the bull . . ."

The rodent climbed up on his wife's frill to see better.

"Listen, pal: we don't have time for your stupid games. Just tell us what you want and be done with it."

Binks lifted his chin.

"I want Jar Jar."

The rodent shrugged.

"Take him."

Claire gasped.

"Owen, no! What are you thinking? We don't negotiate with terrorists, least of all when our friends' lives are on the line."

"Jar Jar is _not_ our friend."

There it was. Now, without a shadow of a doubt, Jar Jar knew that the group he had been traveling with did not consider him a friend. He felt very stupid for hugging Claire. She probably hated him as much as Owen did.

Binks spread his arms grandly.

"Let's make this easy. Turn over my son, and I will let you leave in peace," he crooned pleasantly, "What I do with this franchise after your departure is none of your concern."

"Actually, it _will_ be by the time Episode Eight rolls along," Claire muttered.

"Are you refusing to cooperate?" Binks snarled.

"Yes, I think we are," she retorted defiantly.

"Very well," Binks said breezily, "Rey, kill them."

Nothing happened. The group looked around in confusion, expecting the future protagonist to jump out of the shadows. When she didn't appear, Binks whipped his head around and growled.

"REY! NOW!"

Slowly, the dewback that Jar Jar had tripped over began to walk forward. It dragged its feet with shame, keeping its eyes glued to the ground. When it came to a stop behind Binks, everyone stared in disbelief.

"Oh my god," Claire whispered, "What have you done to her?"

"I couldn't very well have her fighting back now, could I?" Binks scoffed, "As long as she remains this way, she can't kill me. I'm her only hope of changing back."

Claire stared at the dewback sadly.

"You were the one who sent the prayer, weren't you?"

The animal looked up at her with wet eyes. Ignoring her distress, Binks pointed to the group.

"Now's your chance to kill them. Remember, I don't need you alive to carry out my plan. The Neoverse could very well have a King instead of a Queen. End this. End it now!"

The dewback looked up at Claire in an almost apologetic way. For a moment, it seemed like she wouldn't attack. Binks glared at her and pointed to the group furiously.

"Do it! Kill them all! Unless you are willing to spend the rest of your days as a stupid animal . . ."

Rey began to advance. Claire took a shaky breath and reached out for the poor creature.

"You don't have to do this . . ." she whispered.

Rey closed her eyes.

"I'm sorry."

Without warning, she darted forward and pounced upon the Queen.


	10. The Dark Side

Claire lowed in surprise as Rey dug her claws into her back. She had not been expecting a battle, especially since her lightsaber injury was not yet healed. Rey knew that the Queen was not in peak form, so she cut through the bandages, hoping to find a weak spot. When the cloth fell away, the wound became visible. It was no longer deep, but it was a tender spot, nonetheless. Claire anticipated Rey's intention and kicked her snout. She chomped down on her wing to compensate, not realizing that she was putting her face in range of her tail. Claire slammed her spikes into Rey's snout, and she howled in pain. As soon as Claire's wing was free, she used it to beat her opponent's side. The softness of her feathers was deceptive, for underneath their white mass was sturdy bone. Rey fell over, dazed, and grabbed her shoulder. It seemed to be dislocated. Claire snorted and pinned her to the ground with her front feet.

"That was a warning. Don't try anything else, unless you want me to fight for real."

Rey whimpered. From the sidelines, George Binks stomped his foot.

"Fight back! Fight back, you coward!"

While Rey squirmed in the sand, Owen skittered down from Claire's frill in panic. Jar Jar hadn't noticed him sitting there, and it surprised him that he was able to hang on during the fight. Quickly, the rodent hopped over to the dragon, who was waiting to be called into the fight.

"Change me back," he commanded.

She looked down at him with surprise.

"What?"

"Change me back. Make me human. I want to help."

"Not until Claire asks."

"She needs help!" he insisted.

"She's doing fine without us," the dragon said breezily, "Don't get involved."

The rodent balled up his paws in frustration.

"Goddamn it. Don't let this go too far. I don't want to take any risks."

Rey finally managed to overpower Claire. She slapped her with her tail, then charged her once again. As the two of them clashed, the dragon wandered away casually.

"I'm sure she's fine. Call me if anything goes wrong, okay?"

The rodent stared at the dragon in disbelief. He tried to run after her, but he soon realized that her strides were much larger than his. He turned back to the battle, hoping that his wife had the upper hand. When Claire began to scream in pain, he winced.

"Jar Jar, does your father have any weaknesses?" he asked desperately.

Jar Jar looked at the Gungan who was standing on the other side of the brawl. He shook his head dolefully.

"No. Hesa have no weaknesses."

"Are you sure?"

Jar Jar nodded.

"Moole faddur is strong. My not. Wesa losen dis battle. Mesa sorry, Owen."

He bared his teeth.

"Don't use my name."

They jumped back as Claire was tossed to the ground, sliding towards them through the sand. She got up so rapidly that it seemed as though she had never fallen in the first place. Rey dodged her next attack.

"This is a disaster!" the rodent shrieked, "I don't know where E- is going, but we need her help. She said to call her, and I don't know how. What are we gonna do?"

Jar Jar covered his eyes as Rey's claws made red lines down Claire's side.

"Wesa gonna die!"

Right then, with a quick swipe of her tail, Claire jabbed Rey's belly. She roared in pain. Instead of saliva, she spat blood. It began pouring down from her mouth as she coughed. Claire removed her tail-spikes from Rey's body and stepped backwards. The poor dewback fell to the ground, moaning in pain.

"I'm sorry," Claire said in a businesslike tone, "You left me no choice. I know you didn't want to do this, and I'm prepared to heal you once I've taken care of Jar Jar's father."

As she turned to George Binks, he pulled out the lightsaber. Jar Jar found himself staring at the glowing blade. He began to walk forward, almost as if he was in a trance. He nearly kicked Owen in his stupor, and this managed to snap him out of his momentary daze.

"Congratulations, Queen Claire," George Binks cooed patronizingly, "You beat a big, fat animal. In a few minutes, two reptiles will have been slain."

Claire snorted aggressively.

"I have news for you. Dinosaurs aren't reptiles, and I'm part mammal!"

She charged forward. Binks tried to make a swipe at her, but she was too fast. Her horn hit the back of his knees, and he fell to the ground, dropping the lightsaber. It rolled through the sand and stopped at Jar Jar's feet. He bent down to grab it, but the rodent got to it first.

"I've got it, Claire! Keep the Gungan where he is."

Claire pinned him to the ground with her foot. He sneered up at her with unbridled rage and began to pound the earth with his fists.

"FOOL! I WAS GOING TO SAVE THE FRANCHISE!"

Claire pointed to Rey, who was still coughing up blood.

"You call _that_ saving the franchise? You're actively trying to _kill_ it, I'd say."

Jar Jar wasn't paying attention to their exchange. He was watching the rodent try to carry the lightsaber hilt, which was slightly larger than he was. He grunted and dropped the weapon, panting heavily.

"Um, Claire? Little help, please?"

She nodded.

"One second."

Her eyes began to glow white, and suddenly, Rey stopped coughing. She took a few deep breaths, then stood up and wrapped her tail around her feet in shame.

"I'm sorry."

"I know," Claire said gently, "I only have enough magic to change one person right now, and I need Owen to carry the lightsaber. In a few hours, I'll have enough energy to restore your shape as well. You'll have to be patient."

Rey nodded, her eyes brimming with tears.

"Thank you. I know I don't deserve this."

Claire shook her head.

"It's not your fault. Don't let yourself believe that you're responsible for this. It's my job to fix the mess I've made. In order to do that, I need help."

She turned to Owen.

"Are you ready?"

He nodded rapidly.

"Yes, yes, yes! Change me now!"

She cast another spell, and suddenly, a human man was standing in front of Jar Jar. He spun around to make sure that he was fully changed, then smiled.

"God, it feels good to be back to normal."

Claire rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, yeah. Get the lightsaber so we can scram."

He turned around and began to reach for it. In the blink of an eye, Jar Jar snatched it out of the sand and held it so that the blade was pointing at Owen. He stumbled backwards in shock.

"What the-"

"This is mine," Jar Jar hissed.

Owen gulped.

"Jar Jar, give us the lightsaber . . ."

He shook his head.

"No."

Claire stared at him with worry.

"Jar Jar, what are you doing? . . ."

He glared at her.

"I am taking my lightsaber. I am a Jedi."

Owen frowned.

"You're not a Jedi, Jar Jar."

George Binks sneered from under Claire's foot.

"He's right, you know. You can never be a Jedi, because you are a coward."

Claire pushed him deeper into the sand.

"You're a terrible father. Don't listen to him, Jar Jar. You faced a bar full of angry drunks to get us some cash. That was a brave thing to do. I know there's goodness in you, deep down inside. You don't need to be a Jedi to be a hero."

Jar Jar tightened his grip around the hilt.

"Yousa lying. Yousa lying because yousa scared of moole power."

Claire tried to lean forward, but realized that she couldn't move without letting go of her prisoner. Rey picked up on this fact, and ran over to take her place. When Binks was secure, Claire began to walk towards Jar Jar slowly.

"Jar Jar, please. I know you're scared. I can tell because of the way you're speaking. This isn't you. You wouldn't do this to your friends."

Jar Jar sneered.

"You aren't my friends."

Owen held up his hands and risked taking a step forward.

"Listen, Jar Jar. I may not like you, but I know for a fact that Claire tolerates your presence. I think she might even enjoy your company. If you hand over the lightsaber now, we can go back to the way things were. The Queen is very forgiving."

Jar Jar looked at Claire, who was mouthing a silent plea. He turned back to Owen, scanning his face for any trace of insincerity. Jar Jar wasn't sure whether his eyes were showing hostility or if he was simply imagining things, but he didn't want to take a chance.

"Owen."

He gave a barely-perceptible wince.

"Yes?"

"I'm calling you Owen."

He nodded.

"Okay . . ."

Jar Jar smirked.

"I can do that, now that I'm a Jedi."

Owen said nothing. Jar Jar lifted the blade to his throat. He raised his hands defensively.

"Jar Jar . . ."

"Say it."

"Say what?" Owen choked.

"Say that I'm a Jedi."

"Jar Jar, this isn't-"

"SAY IT!"

A bead of sweat trickled down Owen's temple. His Adam's apple was dangerously close to the weapon. As he swallowed, it nearly brushed up against the tip of the blade.

"You . . . You're . . ."

Behind him, Claire was breathing rapidly.

"Say it, Owen. Just say it."

He closed his eyes.

"No. I can't do it. You are not a Jedi."

Jar Jar roared in fury. As Owen stumbled backwards, he lifted the lightsaber and swung it at him. It missed his throat, but sliced off his right hand at the wrist. He screamed in pain and fell to the ground. Claire ran forward.

"NO!"

Jar Jar lifted his lightsaber, preparing to finish the job, but a loud noise made him hesitate. A dinky little ship landed behind him, kicking up a cloud of sand and dust. The dome roof opened with a shrill hiss, and the dragon hopped out with a big smile on her face. She skipped over to the group merrily.

"Hey, guys! I salvaged some of my money and underpants from the inn and bought a vehicle. It only has one seat, but if one of us leaves to get help-"

She broke off when she registered the scene in front of her. She looked at Owen, who was grabbing his wrist in pain, then at Jar Jar, who was preparing to behead him. She blinked twice.

"Um . . . Did something happen while I was away? . . ."

Without missing a beat, Jar Jar sprinted between her legs and got into the ship. He jammed the buttons in panic, desperate to escape. Somehow, he managed to take off. The ship soared into the sky, out of harm's way.

As he stared down at the group, who were now as small as insects, Jar Jar felt his stomach twist. He had made his getaway to avoid the dragon's wrath, of course, but it didn't help that he had just realized how much trouble he was in. For the past few minutes, he hadn't been himself. The hatred that burned in his heart was unlike anything he'd ever felt before. It was as if all of his anger was surfacing at once, and his emotions gave him sick, twisted power. He had betrayed his friends without hesitation. He had attacked Owen, and it was very likely that his injury would be fatal. The worst part was that he had enjoyed it. He _wanted_ to make Owen suffer for the things he had said. At the time, it had seemed fair, but now, it just seemed cruel.

Thinking his heart had no room for extra sorrow, Jar Jar pretended not to notice his father's followers closing in around the gang. He left the planet's atmosphere, heading for nowhere in particular.


	11. In A Prison

Lost in the dark recesses of space, far from the warmth of the stars, Jar Jar's lonely ship slowed to a stop. He didn't notice his change in velocity for a very long time. It was only when a buzzer went off that he realized something was different. His blank stare gradually shifted from the window to the control panel. One of the monitors informed him that he was approaching a large planet. When he tapped an icon to receive further information, the computer showed an image of Naboo. Jar Jar felt something stir inside of him, though he couldn't tell whether it was a good feeling or a bad feeling. Perhaps it was neither. He was simply experiencing a dry recognition.

He was home.

How many hours had he been cruising aimlessly through space? It must have been a lot, because Tatooine was very far from Naboo, from what he understood. He was no mathematician, but he estimated that it would take approximately a gazillion minutes to travel such a long, long distance without going into hyperdrive. Not that it really mattered. He no longer had a schedule to keep.

By now, Jar Jar was sure that his friends had been captured, and quite possibly executed. Judging by the seething temper of his father, it was almost a certainty that everyone was dead. Jar Jar vaguely hoped that someone had put Owen out of his misery. A quick death was much better than bleeding from a hand-stump, he hypothesized. He thought about what it must be like to endure such pain. He thought about how brave Owen was for not crying. He thought about how he had screamed when the blade came into contact with his skin.

And then he thought about Claire.

Jar Jar could almost imagine her facing her own demise with pride and dignity. She'd maintain her noble posture, even as George Binks prepared to use a blaster on her. No Gugan would take away her self-respect, nor any creature in the galaxy, for that matter. She'd stare him down without a hint of fear in her eyes. She was not afraid of death. She was Queen Claire, and Queen Claire was more powerful than Death itself. That's what everyone would be thinking, at least. They'd watch her with wide eyes, confident that someone as strong as her could survive anything. George Binks would hesitate, thinking it would be a waste of time to attempt an execution. Everyone would be holding their breath, waiting for Claire to magically survive the attack. They'd believe that she was going to survive. They'd believe it with all of their hearts.

Then, he'd pull the trigger.

As Jar Jar picture Claire's lifeless form being dragged to an incinerator, he began to shake. He didn't think he was capable of imagining such a macabre scene, but it was stunningly realistic in his mind's eye. He could even see the blood dripping from her tongue. They'd pull her across the floor carelessly, as though she was a simple shaak. To treat this phenomenal creature with such disrespect was beyond criminal. Claire was strong and fierce and kind. Very kind. She was the kindest person alive, because she had treated Jar Jar Binks with respect. Respect he didn't deserve. She made him feel like he was a somebody, as opposed to the nobody he was used to being. She had given him her absolute trust, and he had repaid her by sending her to her grave.

Jar Jar's throat quivered, and his nostrils began to flare. His ability to restrain his distress melted away as tears began to trickle down his cheeks. He sobbed heavily, closed his eyes tight, and bent forward to lean on the control panel. It was his fault that Claire was going to die. He had betrayed his only friend in the entire world. She had been on his side the entire time, although she had no reason to. Even when he was threatening her husband, she still had faith in him. What had she said, exactly? Something about him being a hero? . . . Well, Jar Jar certainly didn't feel like a hero now. He felt like a stupid, stupid Gungan. His father was right all along: he was a coward.

As Jar Jar shifted, his body put pressure on the keyboard. This changed his course, and before he knew it, he was headed somewhere else. That was fine by him. He did not wish to return to Naboo, not because of his mistakes as a senator, but because he was still a failure, even when he had a chance to change his destiny. He was now more guilty than ever, because he had made an active choice to do what he knew was wrong. He was no longer an innocent person being used as a puppet: he had become the villain himself.

Jar Jar's home planet shrunk to the size of a grain of sand. He was distancing himself from his roots, and he didn't even know where he was headed. That was fine. Perfectly fine. Anything was better than staying here. At least one thing was certain: wherever his ship was taking him, he had a lot to think about along the way.

***TSSWFEW***

Claire, Owen, Rey, and E- were sitting quietly in a crude prison. They had been shipped to a new planet, though it was hard to tell which one, since they had been brought to their cell with bags over their heads. Binks gloated endlessly, of course, boasting about the fact that he had managed to outsmart the most powerful being in the Neoverse. Thankfully, he left to attend to more sinister business. Now, a few hours after their capture, none of the prisoners had anything to say. Well . . . mostly.

"Does anyone find it weird that he managed to monologue about whales for fifteen minutes?" E- asked, "I mean, his similes sucked, but for the amount of time he was talking . . ."

Rey (still a dewback) sighed and lifted her head.

"Well, he used to be a sailor, I guess, so he was familiar with the subject."

E- hummed.

"Fair point. At least we didn't get kidnapped by a plumber. Right, Claire?"

The Queen shifted slowly in the corner of the room. Her leg was chained to the wall, and the links scraped across the ground as she moved. Owen was lying near her, out of reach and fast asleep. She was using her magic to keep him alive, which meant that she couldn't muster up enough energy to break out. The hopelessness of her situation was clearly starting to set in. She gazed at E- with tired eyes.

"I've killed us all, haven't I?"

After a beat, the dragon shook her head.

"No, Claire. This wasn't your fault. You were just trying to be a good Queen . . . even though you failed miserably . . ."

Rey let out a doleful moo.

"It's my fault for summoning you. If I had known that he'd capture us all, I would have never prayed for a rescue."

"I think we all know whose fault this _really_ is," a raspy voice muttered bitterly.

Everyone turned to Owen, who was no longer asleep. Claire stood up and walked over to him, but her chains prevented her from going all the way. She reached out and tried to sit him back down.

"Owen, you need to rest."

He shook his head slowly.

"No. If you let me die, you can save up enough energy to escape."

"You know I'd never do that . . ."

Owen gave a sardonic laugh.

"You ought to. I've ruined everything."

"How?"

Owen ran his fingers through his hair. He shook his head to clear his thoughts.

"Jar Jar wasn't destined to screw up like I said he was. I _made_ him turn on us. We would have been fine if I had been kinder to him."

Claire shook her head.

"That's not true."

"It is," Owen whispered, "I sent him away last night. That's why he was in the middle of town. I told him to leave the inn without saying goodbye. I made him feel unwanted, and that's why he betrayed us. I've failed you, Claire. You accepted Jar Jar. You treated him like one of us. You saw the good in him, but I didn't. Despite your spectacular leadership, everything fell apart. Your heart wasn't big enough to counteract my hatred-"

He began to cough. Claire struggled to reach for him, but her chain wouldn't allow it. She tugged at the device in frustration, then looked at him with tears in her eyes.

"Owen . . ."

"I wish I could go back and do it over again," he choked, "I should have known that you were right. You're always right . . ."

Claire shook her head fiercely.

"No, Owen. No one is right one hundred percent of the time. We all make mistakes."

"But this is going to cost us our lives," he said monotonously, "The worst part about it is that I knew what I was doing. I _wanted_ to make him hurt. Every time he looked at me with those big, innocent eyes, I knew that he was unaware of what he'd caused. It wasn't his fault that the franchise was ruined. He was only a pawn. But I needed someone to blame, and he was an easy target. I _wanted_ to hurt him, but he never meant to hurt me."

"Well, that's not entirely true. He _did_ cut off your hand," E- pointed out, "Speaking of which, I still have it. I'm pretty sure we're beyond the point of sewing it back on. Should I chuck it?"

Owen sighed.

"It doesn't matter. We're all going to die. We're all going to die . . . because of me."

"Don't say that," E- chuckled nonchalantly, "Everyone hates Jar Jar. Your actions were perfectly understandable. He's the worst character in the series, hands down . . . if you'll pardon the expression."

E- pulled Owen's severed hand out from behind her ear and examined it casually.

"Well, I guess this piece of conceptual symmetry won't help you now. It's really of no use to us, so I may as well get rid of it."

She tossed the hand to the side. It managed to slip between the cell's bars, landing on a control panel outside. When it did, the doors opened, and Claire's ankle-chains fell to the floor. E- stared at the opening with wide eyes.

"Wow. That was convenient."

Claire kicked her chains away and frowned in puzzlement.

"Binks said that the only way to get out was with magic."

E- shrugged.

"Maybe he was wrong. All of your magic is being funneled into Owen, and I would never willingly help you because I hate you so much."

Claire narrowed her eyes.

"If you hate me so much, why didn't you just abandon us when you had the chance?"

E- flicked her ears evasively.

"Dunno. It was the will of the Force, I guess."

Rey stood up and squeezed through the open door.

"I don't mean to be a bother, but we really should be escaping now," she said briskly.

Claire nodded.

"Couldn't agree more. You two go ahead. I'll help Owen."

E- and Rey made their way down the hall. When they were out of sight, Claire trotted over to Owen and gave him a conspiratorial look.

"I'm pretty sure she helped us. Don't say anything, though, because it will hurt her pride."

Owen nodded and ran his remaining hand down her snout slowly.

"Claire . . . If we get out of here alive, I'm going to make things right."

"You don't have to do anything."

"I want to. I owe it to Jar Jar."

"Do you?"

"Of course. He deserves better. It's the right thing to do."

Claire smiled and nudged his chest.

"I love you."

"I kn- I love you, too."


	12. It's So Dense

Jar Jar was done being surprised by how much he failed at everything. As he stared at the sinking form of his ship, he felt nothing but pure indifference. _Of course_ he had lost control of the steering. _Of course_ he had done a nosedive when he entered the planet's atmosphere. _Of course_ he had crashed in the middle of a stinky swamp. He had screwed up badly . . . so, _so_ badly. It was to be expected. Jar Jar was a failure in every sense of the word.

Turning away from the crash site, Jar Jar sighed with exhaustion. He stepped over an exposed root, and was surprised to find that the ground was incredibly slippery on the other side. He fell on his posterior and grunted in pain.

"Uh!"

He cringed and lifted his arms, which were now covered in thick slime.

"Oh, icky goo . . ."

He flicked off the gobs of sludge and got to his feet, slipping a few times before regaining his balance. He trudged across the cold, wet terrain, lifting his feet in high steps to avoid getting stuck. The swamp was a foul-smelling dump of an ecosystem, and Jar Jar was not eager to find out whether or not the animals that lived in this area were equally vile. It was hard to guess, since the ground was covered in a thick fog that concealed everything below his knees. Or was it mist? Was there a difference, even? Perhaps it was a gaseous emission that would prove to be cancer-causing. In any case, it was not a friendly environment.

"Hidoe?" Jar Jar called, "Mesa lost. Is anybody a-hearen me?"

He flapped his arms in panic as his foot got stuck in the mud. He pulled it out with great difficulty, lost his balance, and fell over.

"Oooooooooh . . ."

When he lifted his face out of the puddle, Jar Jar gasped. Someone was standing in front of him. The mysterious figure was wearing dark robes, just like Jar Jar's father had donned when he stole the lightsaber on Coruscant. This time, he wouldn't let the mysterious person get the upper hand. Jar Jar whipped out his lightsaber, but dropped it just as quickly, because his hands were still wet from the fall. The mist made it hard to see where it had landed. He tried to fumble around, but the figure stepped on his hand gently.

"Don't attack me. I'm here to help you."

Jar Jar gulped and stood up when his hand was released. The stranger picked up the lightsaber and gave it to him. Jar Jar looked down at it, then back up at the man.

"Who are you?"

The figure coughed.

"That's, uh, that's not really relevant to our discussion, but I'm very important where I come from. See, I've always liked you, even though nobody else does. You're the key to all of this. If we can get you working, it will solve everything."

Jar Jar cocked his head.

"Mesa not sure my understanden."

The figure fumbled with his robes a little.

"See, this story is kind of beyond my control now. They wouldn't let me direct again. I was mad about it. I may have gone too far in a few places. But that's not- that's not the point. You're never gonna beat George Binks. No one can. Not unless they're, uh- a Jedi. You have to hit him with your lightsaber, Jar Jar. We've never seen you use it in battle before, so this is going to be really exciting for the fans."

"But mesa bad at fighting," he admitted with embarrassment, "My losen berry fast."

"See, no, because you're the hero of this story now," the stranger muttered, "It's all very complicated, but it's stylistically designed to be that way. We can diminish the effects of it . . ."

Jar Jar blinked.

"Yousa nutsen."

The figure sighed.

"Everyone keeps saying that, but it's not true. I mean, I'm so . . . _bold_ . . . and they really don't know what they're talking about. And why do they think I'm racist for making you? I'm not racist! I made Red Tails, goddamn it! I'm a genius! I'm a visionary filmmaker! No one understands me because I'm ahead of my time."

Jar Jar nodded slowly.

"And what is your plan? . . ." he asked.

The man puffed out his chest valiantly.

"I'm gonna train you in the Jedi arts. You can wave your sword at the little flying thingy with your blast shield down. That'll make you strong or something. We need to bulk up your arms. They kind of . . . don't have much in them. If you want to fight successfully, you need to be muscular. It takes beefy arms to hit people with a lightsaber. If you exert yourself too much, it will be bad for everyone. Know what I'm saying?"

Jar Jar rubbed his chin.

"Yousa think my can become a Jedi?"

The figure nodded loosely.

"Yeah, yeah. You can. I mean, you don't have midi-chlorians, but . . ."

Jar Jar lifted his lightsaber. The blade shot out of the hilt, humming sinisterly. After turning it around a couple of times, Jar Jar bit his lip.

"My used this to hurt Owen . . ." he whispered, tears brimming at his eyes.

The man shrugged as Jar Jar turned off his lightsaber and put it in his pocket.

"Yeah, you hurt him bad, but it doesn't matter. He survived."

Jar Jar's jaw dropped.

"Owen's alive?!"

The man nodded casually.

"Oh, sure. He's with Claire and the others on the lava planet."

Jar Jar lifted his chin and stood up straight.

"I'm going to save them," he declared without hesitation.

The figure held up his hands as Jar Jar turned to leave.

"No! Don't do that! That's a _very_ bad idea! You'll be killed!"

Jar Jar paused. Slowly, he faced his mysterious mentor with a solemn mien.

"Even if that's true, I'm still going to try. I'd rather lay down my life to save my friends than stand by and watch them be murdered. I know what it's like to let the enemy get the upper hand. That won't happen again."

The man scoffed.

"Why are you talking different? Is that a continuity error?"

Jar Jar shook his head.

"No. I'm speaking this way because I know what I have to do. I'm not scared anymore."

The figure stared in disbelief as Jar Jar ran away.

"Come back, you stupid Goonga! Is friendship more important than your training? You don't even have a functional ship anymore! How are you supposed to get it working? You don't have enough midi-chlorians to pull it out of the swamp goo, I'll tell you _that_ much! You're going to fail, you miserable coward!"

Jar Jar paid him no mind. The figure growled and kicked a tree angrily.

"You're a stupid Sith-face! You cut off Owen's hand! Nobody's gonna like you after that. I'm gonna have to change it so that he was about to attack you first. Do you know how much digital artists charge per hour? I'm gonna have to export that shit to Korea!"

The Gungan disappeared into the fog.

"Are you even _listening_ to me?!" the cloaked figure spat.

When Jar Jar did not return, the man pulled off his hood and marched away angrily.

"Fine. Forget this. I'll find _another_ franchise to ruin."

***TSSWFEW***

Claire screamed in pain as a particle beam shot through her wing. Owen clung to one of her horns fearfully, trying to stay perched on her neck as they sped across a volcanic terrain.

"We're not gonna make it!"

E- swerved chaotically above them, carrying Rey in her talons.

"Why the hell does he have TIE fighters?! He's George effing Binks, not an Imperial Officer!"

Claire did a barrel roll, narrowly avoiding two more shots. Owen gasped and squeezed her tight.

"Ack! You're choking me!" she rasped.

"I'm going to fall!" he shrieked, "I only have one hand to hold on!"

Claire grunted.

"You're a lot heavier as a human, you know . . ."

They both screamed as a pillar of lava shot up in front of them. Claire spiraled out of control and landed heavily on the ground. E- turned around to rescue her. The fleet of TIE fighters was obviously not prepared to fight a fire-breathing animal. One by one, they were tossed into the lava. The last ship disappeared with a quiet "bloop". Satisfied, E- placed Rey on the ground and walked over to Claire. When she turned her over, she gave a horrified shriek.

"What is it?" Claire asked in panic, "Am I injured?"

E- shook her head.

"No, you're just super ugly. It scares me every time."

Claire gave her a light kick and stood up. She helped Owen to his feet, but he seemed too dizzy to stand. He draped himself over her neck and moaned.

"I don't feel so good . . ."

Claire gulped and patted his back.

"It's okay. We'll make it out of here alive, I promise."

He ran his fingers over her scales drowsily.

"But everyone here is our enemy. Where do we turn?"

E- looked at him seriously.

"To the stars, Owen. To the stars."

He narrowed his eyes.

"Fuck off."

Claire sighed.

"We're stranded on a lava planet. Great."

E- sat down.

"Well, I guess this means we're going to die here."

"No, I don't think so," Claire muttered, "I don't feel like this is the end. It can't be. There _has_ to be a way out of this."

"Like what?" Rey asked.

"Well, E- seemed to be taking care of those spaceships pretty good. If we sneak back to the base, we could hijack one."

E- scoffed.

"Your plan is to head _towards_ the people who are trying to kill us?"

Claire nodded.

"They won't be expecting it, and besides, what other choice do we have?"

Owen coughed. Claire leaned forward and set him down on the ground gently. He rested his injured arm on his chest and took a few shallow breaths.

"We won't make it very far. TIE fighters have a limited range. What use is a ship, anyway? We can't fly home. The only way to end this is to defeat Jar Jar's father. If he's as powerful as he seems, we don't have a snowball's chance."

"Does that mean you're giving up?" E- asked.

Owen shook his head.

"No . . . No. We can't let ourselves get licked. We just need to-"

He began to hack noisily. E- rolled her eyes.

"Is it really necessary to cough like that? Does your lack of a hand somehow affect your lungs?"

Owen sighed.

"This is miserable. I guess I asked for it. In any case, we can't stay here. They're bound to find us."

Claire curled her tail around her feet. Owen was clearly not well enough to travel.

"Maybe we can wait here for a little while longer," she mumbled, "I'll recharge for a bit, then-"

"Fight George Binks?" Owen interrupted, "No, that's a bad idea. Now that we're sure he has dark magic on his side, there's no telling what he's capable of."

Claire shrugged.

"I pinned him down once before. He's a Gungan. How hard can it be?"

Owen blinked in surprise.

"You used the correct term . . ."

Claire smiled.

"I'm a fast learner. Of course, it helped that we spent so much time with Jar Jar. If I had to guess, I'd say that that was part of the reason his father was so angry with us."

Owen froze.

"Say that again."

Claire raised her eyebrow.

"What? The thing about him being angry with us?"

Slowly, a smile crossed Owen's face. He sat up with renewed energy.

"George Binks has a weakness."

"So?"

"I have a plan."


	13. Sacrifice

Jar Jar made various noises to express his intense concentration as he tried to pull the overturned ship out of the bog. He yanked and tugged and grabbed and rammed, but it was no use. Even so, he refused to give up. He gave a fierce tug, then stopped for a moment to catch his breath. After panting heavily for a few seconds, he went back to pulling on the ship, devoting every last ounce of his energy to the endeavor. Perhaps a creature of more refined intellect would have noticed that he was standing on the nose of the ship while trying to move it, something which was not beneficial as far as leverage was concerned. He was not bright enough to realize this, however, and continued his foolish pursuit.

"Come on, big ship!" he grunted, "Move, move, move! I have to save my friends!"

He accidentally let go of the ship in mid-tug and tumbled down the slanted hull, doing painful somersaults before landing in the mud with a big splat. He stood up and began to push the ship from the side, his feet making lines in the mud as he walked in place.

"Please, please, please!" he begged, "I can't let them die! Not like this!"

He slipped and fell flat on his face. Wiping off a beard of muck, he stared up at the useless hunk of metal and felt the impossibility of his situation bearing down on him. He was destined to fail. It was a mathematical certainty. His friends were going to die, and there was nothing he could do to stop it from happening.

Jar Jar curled up in a ball and started crying helplessly.

"I'm sorry, Owen. I'm sorry, Claire. I wish I could have saved you . . ."

There was a bright flash of light. Suddenly, Jar Jar was no longer in the swamp. Through some sort of magic, he had been transported to the peak of an active volcano. A series of complex catwalks hung over the massive pit of boiling lava, one of which Jar Jar was lying on right now. The gurgling substance gave off a terrible heat, making the air shimmer in waves. Jar Jar stood up and looked around in confusion.

"Labba?"

Something caught his attention. A few levels down, on a larger catwalk, Claire was preparing to face his father in a duel. Jar Jar gasped and called out to her.

"CLAIRE!"

She looked up at him.

"Jar Jar!"

With three strong beats of her wings, she managed to fly up to where he was waiting for her. When she landed on the catwalk, she made it rattle. Jar Jar stumbled backwards, trying to keep his balance. Claire thundered towards him and beamed proudly.

"I knew you'd come back for us!" she cheered.

Jar Jar rubbed his arm.

"I wanted to come back, but I don't know how I-"

"Oh, Jar Jar! I _knew_ you wouldn't betray us!" Claire said rather loudly, cutting him off, "It would have been awful if you tried to kill me. In fact, that's the worst possible death I can imagine right now."

Jar Jar cocked his head, wondering why she was speaking with such an odd inflection. Down on the larger platform, George Binks cackled malevolently.

"Perhaps that's not such a bad idea . . ."

Somehow, he teleported himself to where they were. Before Jar Jar could register what was happening, his father lifted his hand and took control of his body. Without wanting to, Jar Jar felt himself reaching for his lightsaber.

"No!"

"Oh, yes . . ." George Binks cooed, "You're going to slaughter her like an animal."

Jar Jar tried to stop himself, but before he knew it, he was holding the pink blade inches from Claire's face. He stepped forward as she backed up. Tears poured down his cheeks.

"Claire-"

"It's okay, Jar Jar," she said calmly, "I know you're not doing it on purpose."

He whimpered.

"Claire, mesa sorry . . ."

"Shhh . . . It's okay. Everything is going to be okay," she reassured him.

Something in her eyes indicated that she was trying to send him an implied message. Jar Jar regretted being born so dense that he couldn't pick up on subtle facial cues. She obviously wanted him to know something. Something important.

"It's okay, Jar Jar," she said quietly, "You're not doing anything wrong. Keep going. Just keep going . . ."

Unfortunately, she made the mistake of glancing over his shoulder. This prompted him to do the same, and he noticed Owen creeping up behind his father. This shared glance prompted George Binks to turn around before Owen could neutralize him. He grabbed his injured wrist and flung him to the ground at Jar Jar's feet.

"Oh my god. We're going to die," Owen muttered quickly.

Jar Jar now understood that he had failed his friends once again. Their plan had been to trick his father into giving in to his hatred, leaving him open for an attack. Because of Jar Jar's foolish mistake, they were going to die . . . but perhaps not by his own hand. He knew what he had to do to stop his father from taking control of him again. Although it made his heart ache, Jar Jar held his lightsaber over the railing. He dropped the weapon. It fell into the lava and disappeared forever. Jar Jar helped Owen to his feet and sighed.

"Mesa not a Jedi," he said with remorse, "Mesa wrong about everything . . . _I_ was wrong about everything. I know it doesn't change what I did, but I owe you this apology, at least."

Owen stared at him for a moment with an unreadable expression.

"I forgive you."

Jar Jar was stunned. Never in his life did he expect to hear those three words come out of Owen's mouth. He thought he might die right then and there. But he didn't. Instead, he looked into Owen's eyes, and he could tell that he was aware of what it meant to him. The mutual glimmer of understanding was cut short by a malevolent cackle from George Binks.

"Fool!" he spat, "You've given up your only weapon! Now there's nothing to stop me from killing you!"

He grabbed a blaster from his back pocket and pointed it at his son.

"Prepare to die."

As he pulled the trigger, Owen stepped in front of Jar Jar. There was a flash of light, and Owen fell to his knees. Claire screamed.

"OWEN!"

She dashed forward and slapped the blaster out of Binks' hand with her tail. He shrieked as it fell into the lava below and began to tremble like a leaf.

"Ah! Don't hurt me!"

He ran away like a coward, heading for the edge of the volcano. Out of the corner of his eye, Jar Jar noticed E- and Rey pursuing him. Indifferent to the fate of his father, Jar Jar knelt down beside Owen. When he turned him over, he saw that his remaining hand was covering a deep injury. It was bleeding fiercely. Jar Jar looked down at the mortally wounded man with tears in his eyes.

"You saved me . . ."

Owen nodded, wincing in pain.

"Yeah, I guess this makes us even. You know I'm serious, because no one with any self-respect would admit that he gave his life to save Jar Jar Binks."

Jar Jar sniffled and gave him a hug.

"Thank you."

When he laid him back down, Owen looked around with glazed eyes.

"Jar Jar, I know you probably want to stay here, but I don't have much time left, and I need to be alone with Claire. Stay nearby, and be safe. Find a place to hide. I won't be here when you get back, so I'll tell you this now: you are my friend. You've been my friend ever since we had our talk on Hoth. I'm sorry I didn't see it sooner."

Jar Jar nodded.

"I love you."

Owen patted his head quickly.

"Me too. Now go find a place to hide while I talk to Claire."

Jar Jar gave him one last hug, then jogged away, looking over his shoulder as he did. Claire knelt by Owen's side and draped him over her arm, stroking his hair gently with her front foot.

"Is it true?" she whispered.

"What?"

"That you're dying."

Owen nodded.

"I don't think you have enough magic to fix me. This is the end."

Claire bit her lip.

"But it _can't_ be the end. I love you too much."

Owen smiled and put his hand on her cheek.

"I know it's hard to say goodbye, but we've had a good run, haven't we? All of our adventures, all of the stories we've been a part of . . . you've given me the best years of my life. That's something to be happy about. We'll always have that . . ."

He winced. Claire gave him an alarmed look, but he steadied his breathing.

"Promise me you won't be sad once I'm gone."

"I can't promise that . . ."

"Then promise me you won't let it show. You can cry and you can mourn me like everyone else, but don't change, Claire. You're perfect, and the world needs you to stay that way."

He coughed.

"Take care of Lily and Charlie . . . take care of everyone."

"I will, Owen."

"Good."

He ran his hand down her snout, then took a shaky breath.

"You know, whenever we're spending time with our friends, I look around and think about how none of this would have been possible without you. You're the reason I know these people. You're the reason I have a family. Without you, I'd still be sitting alone in my bungalow, not knowing what to do with my life. I never thought I would be this happy. Never. I grew up knowing that I would be a failure, but you proved me wrong. I'm glad you did. I owe you everything. You're amazing. You make me laugh, you make me cry . . . I didn't cry for anyone until I met you, Claire. That's how much you mean to me."

Claire sniffled and held him close to her chest.

"Owen . . . I don't think I can ever tell you how grateful I am that you stayed with me. Even when things got rough, you never left my side."

He laughed weakly.

"You shouldn't thank me for _that_. I'd stay for a million years if it was possible. How could I ever leave you? I love you."

She buried her face in his chest and began to shake uncontrollably.

"I love you, too," she sobbed.

They remained silent for a few minutes, taking comfort in each other's presence. It was peaceful. As he began to lose his strength, Owen gave an involuntary shudder. With a desperate urgency, he lifted Claire's chin so that their eyes met. She blinked away her tears in order to see him clearly. His face was serious.

"Kiss me."

Claire pressed her beak against his lips without hesitation. She could feel him smiling. He placed his hand on her cheek, then let it slip down slowly. When he fell back, she took an unsteady breath and closed her eyes.

"Owen, I have to tell you something . . ."

When he didn't respond, her eyes went wide. She shook him a little.

"Owen? . . ."

His head lolled to the side. After a few seconds of stunned silence, Claire held him against her chest and began to weep.

"Owen . . ."

Her tears soaked his clothing, evaporating with the remnants of his body heat. She ran her front foot through his hair and rested her chin on his head, staring forward with regret and sorrow.

"I'm pregnant."


	14. The Force

Claire trudged through a field of ash, her husband's body draped over her horns. She kept her eyes fixed on the ground, staring blankly at the cinders that lay before her. Behind her, about a mile away, the volcano was beginning to sputter, but she didn't care. All the lava in the world couldn't make her move faster. She lumbered across the grey landscape, tears cutting through the dust on her cheeks. It was only when a yellow dragon landed in front of her that she slowed to a stop. E- looked down at Owen's body with shock.

"Claire . . ."

"Owen is dead."

E- stepped backwards, then let her ears droop sadly.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

Claire closed her eyes.

"Where's Rey?"

"With Jar Jar."

"Did you catch George Binks?"

E- shook her head.

"He was picked up by a large ship. They're on their way to a space station just above the planet."

Claire gave a tired sigh.

"Alright, we'll gather up the others and retreat. I think we can all agree that we've lost."

E- twisted her mouth.

"Erm . . . When I say 'space station', what I mean is that he's built another Death Star and it's set to blow up the Earth of the Overworld in a few hours."

Claire's mouth hung open for a few seconds before she could gather her thoughts. She took a deep, steady breath, then placed Owen's body on the ground, folding his arms over his chest gently. She touched his face one last time, then spread her massive wings and looked up at the starry sky.

"I'm ending this, once and for all. I'm going to blow up the new Death Star or die trying."

E- shook her head.

"Don't be rash. Lily needs you more than ever, now that her father is gone."

Claire closed her eyes.

"If I don't stop George Binks, billions of people will die. This whole thing happened because of my mistake. It's my duty as Queen to repair the damage I've caused. If and when I die, Lily will take my place. We always knew that this was a possibility. She will be ready to accept her role as Queen if it comes to that."

E- frowned.

"Oh, very nice. You're going to fly up into space like an idiot and blow up a big, metal ball, just like that? How are you going to travel? How are you going to _breathe_?"

"I can fill a large volume of space with oxygen," Claire stated, "It requires very little magic. I'll be able to use my wings once there's air friction."

E- shook her head in disbelief.

"And how will you destroy this phony Death Star?"

"Are there any weak spots?"

"At least five, from what I can tell. They didn't patch up some of the minor ducts. There's a lot of messy holes scattered through the trenches. I'm guessing whoever built the station was with the union . . ."

"I'll hit one of those."

"While you're in the air?" E- scoffed, "They won't just let you fly up to their base, you know. They'll be on your tail, and you won't be able to aim properly. Hell, you don't even have hands to shoot with!"

"But _I_ do."

Jar Jar Binks marched up to them with Rey following close behind. E- rolled her eyes, obviously not confident with where this mission was going.

"Owen was my friend," Jar Jar whispered, "He saved my life, and now it's time to return the favor. Give me a chance to fly with you, and I'll make sure that this Death Star is destroyed."

Claire gave him a weak smile.

"I'm guessing you won't take 'no' for an answer. I'm kind of glad that's the case."

E- scoffed and put her paws on her hips.

"Let me get this straight: your plan of action is to attack a giant space station by having a clumsy Gungan ride a pudgy, flying stegoceratops while shooting laser beams at an impossible target?"

Claire nodded.

"Yes. That's exactly right."

***TSSWFEW***

Five minutes later, Claire shot out of the lava planet's atmosphere and sped towards an imposing structure. It was smaller than she had been expecting, but it was still rather large. She had no doubt that it could cause significant damage to the Earth, whether or not it had the power to obliterate it completely. The air was pure in this particular segment of space, since it came from Claire's magic. She felt her energy being replenished with each breath. Her stab-wound barely hurt anymore. On her back, Jar Jar was hanging on for dear life. He held a large laser cannon, which had exactly three rounds of particle beams in it. That was about forty-seven less than Claire would have liked. Their situation was practically hopeless, but that wasn't about to stop them.

As they approached the space station, Jar Jar took a deep breath.

"Yousa moole best friend."

"Don't get nervous now," Claire muttered, "There's still a chance that we can make it out of this alive. We just have to work together. Understand?"

Jar Jar nodded.

"I understand."

They flinched as a booming voice filled the space-air that Claire had conjured up.

"Jar Jar, this is your father speaking. If you come any closer, we'll be forced to attack."

"We're counting on it, George," Claire roared, "Just _try_ and stop us!"

Binks chuckled.

"Oh, you foolish dinosaur. You're going to die out here. You _and_ my coward of a son."

Jar Jar lifted his chin defiantly.

"I am not a coward."

Binks chuckled.

"Let's see how brave you are when you're under attack!"

A fleet of TIE fighters emerged from behind the space station and began to pursue the two rebels. Claire adjusted her flight pattern to avoid their blasts.

"This is it, Jar Jar. No turning back now."

They dove into one of the trenches that ran along the side of the space station. When Claire spotted an unfinished part of the structure, she locked her wings and went rigid, keeping the target between her horns.

"There!"

Jar Jar lifted his laser cannon. He closed one eye to improve his aim. When he fired, the beam narrowly missed the hole. It hit a wall and sputtered into nothingness.

"Shit!" Claire muttered, "We were so close!"

She pulled up out of the trench as they neared a dead end. When they were upright again, Jar Jar bit his lip.

"Mesa sorry . . ." he choked.

"It's okay," she said firmly, "We still have two rounds."

Jar Jar shrieked as one of the TIE fighters shot at him. He nearly fell off of Claire's back.

"HANG ON, JAR JAR!"

They dove into another trench, heading for an exposed tangle of wires.

"Alright, Jar Jar!" Claire shouted, "This one's bigger. The construction workers got really sloppy. Try to hit it, this time."

Jar Jar lifted the cannon again and took a deep breath.

"Here goes nothing . . ."

Before he could fire, a particle beam nicked Claire's leg. She arched her back in pain as her scales fizzled. Jar Jar pulled the trigger in panic, and the blast caught a ship that had been trying to attack them.

"Well, at least that shot wasn't wasted," Claire sighed.

She pulled up, then dove into a third trench.

"Well, this is it," she quavered, "We only have one shot left. It's been a pleasure flying with you."

Jar Jar stared forward. The exposed area was smaller than the other two. It was an impossible shot, and Claire knew it. With the TIE fighters closing in, they really didn't have much time to pick another target.

"You can't win, you know," George Binks announced through a loudspeaker, "You're destined to fail."

"Don't listen to him, Jar Jar," Claire muttered, though she sounded less confident than usual.

"You're going to perish," Binks continued, "I only hope we kill your friend first, so you can watch her die."

Jar Jar gulped. He peeked over his shoulder and saw a TIE fighter getting dangerously close. Out of nowhere, E- slammed into it.

"IT'S LIKE POETRY! THEY RHYME!" she cheered victoriously, "Go get 'em, kid!"

Jar Jar turned back to his target. It was getting closer and closer.

"You can't make this shot!" Binks taunted, "You're too clumsy."

"Jar Jar! Ignore him!" Claire pleaded.

Binks cackled.

"Can you hear the terror in her voice, Jar Jar? She doesn't trust you."

Jar Jar whimpered.

"Yousa lying . . ."

"I'm not. You're going to fail, and everyone knows it."

 _That's not true._

Jar Jar gasped and looked around with wide eyes.

"Owen?!"

 _I'm with you, Jar Jar. The Force is with you. Always._

"But mesa not a Jedi . . ."

 _Not physically, no. But the Force is so much more than simple biology. It doesn't matter how many midi-chloreans are in your blood, as long as you have a heart to compensate. You can do this, Jar Jar. Trust me. You have the power. You've had it all along, whether you knew it or not. Go, face your father. Make me proud._

Jar Jar nodded. As he picked up his laser cannon, he heard his father growling furiously.

"Fool! You dare challenge me?! Who do you think you are?!"

He took a deep breath.

"My name is Jar Jar Binks. I am not a Jedi Knight. I am not destined for great things, but that doesn't matter. I don't need a lightsaber to be strong. A weapon is made to kill, and I do not kill. I am responsible for the bad things that happen to me, but that doesn't make it a part of who I am. I will not turn to the Dark Side. No matter how many people hate me, they cannot make me feel unwanted. Although you may call me a coward, I know it's not true. Nothing scares me, because I have something to fight for. I am not strong alone, but I have friends, and as long as they stand by my side, I will never be nobody."

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?!" Binks barked cluelessly.

"It means I don't need you, faddur," Jar Jar whispered, "Not anymore."

He stared ahead with determination and held up his cannon.

"This is for Owen."

 _SNORF!_

Claire blinked in surprise as he made a loud noise. She didn't have time to question it, however, for a large blast shot over her head, zooming towards the weak spot. She spun around and flew away from the space station as fast as she could. Gasping repeatedly, she flapped her wings at a frantic pace.

"Jar Jar, it just occurred to me that I made a bubble of oxygen around the station, and oxygen combusts."

Jar Jar cocked his head.

"What do you-"

 _BAM!_

They were thrust forward as the Death Star knockoff exploded. For a moment, Jar Jar thought they might freeze or suffocate, but Claire created a delicate, pink bubble around them. They caught their breath, and he gave her the biggest hug he could manage.

"We did it."

Claire nodded and hugged him back.

"We sure did. That was some sharp shooting, Jar Jar."

He gave an embarrassed hum.

"Um . . . Well, to tell you the truth, I wasn't really aiming for it."

Claire frowned in puzzlement.

"What do you mean?"

"I fired mui, mui too early," he squeaked.

Claire batted her eyelashes in confusion.

"How did you manage to do _that_?"

"I sneezed."

Claire stared at him for a moment, then burst out laughing. After a few seconds, Jar Jar started laughing, too.


	15. Hope

When they reunited with their friends on a lush forest planet, Jar Jar and Claire were met with a hero's welcome. It was kind of strange that this temperate biome was within the same solar vicinity as a lava planet, but no one questioned it. As soon as they landed, a horde of Eewoks swarmed Claire, giving her a billion fur-lipped kisses. Although they had no reason to (indeed, they hadn't done anything to help defeat George Binks), the Eewoks sang a cheerful round of Yub Nub. As they danced across Rey's back, she tactfully reminded Claire that she had promised to change her back, so she did exactly that, and she was positive that she had never seen anyone so relieved.

As the party continued, Jar Jar and Claire wandered away from the crowd. They passed E- (who was flashing some Eewoks for money), and made their way into the forest. Owen's body was lying on a pyre in a small clearing. Claire used magic to ignite it, and they watched the sparks rise towards the stars.

"He was a good friend," Jar Jar said.

"Yes," Claire agreed, "A good friend, a good father, and a good husband. I hope he knows how much we'll miss him."

Jar Jar stared at the sky with a numb sorrow.

"He does."

***TSSWFEW***

Claire stayed in the Star Wars universe for an extended period of time after the incident. She dropped Rey off at her own planet after three days, promising that she'd offer her a position in the Fictional government if she should ever choose to be a part of what lay beyond her own franchise. For the time being, her memory had to be erased. Claire wiped all traces of her interference, then returned to Coruscant with Jar Jar, where she spent the next few weeks. She made sure that the world ticked along as planned, just as though she had never entered it. Jar Jar had become so accustomed to her presence that he never expected her to leave. Unfortunately, he awoke one morning to see her packing a small bag.

"Yousa leaving?" he asked.

Claire nodded.

"Yes. I have to go back. I've done everything I can for this franchise, and besides, I have a baby on the way. It would be irresponsible to ignore the people who are waiting for me back home."

Jar Jar nodded sadly.

"Mesa sorry my put you through this."

Claire smiled.

"You know better than that, Jar Jar. If you hadn't found the lightsaber, I would have never been able to discover your father's plan. You saved us all."

Jar Jar shook his head.

"I am not a Jedi. A Jedi would have been able to help you for real."

Claire laughed.

"Jar Jar, do you want to know a secret? I got that pink lightsaber at Walmart. It's a fake. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even licensed. But I made it real with magic, and that's why it's special. Understand?"

Jar Jar sighed.

"Is this goodbye?"

"For now," Claire said, "But we're friends, and friends never truly leave each other."

Jar Jar sat down on a nearby sofa and put his head in his hands.

"I wish I could come with you."

"Me too, but it's against the rules. I can't risk taking you away, in case the real Abrams has something in mind."

Jar Jar's lip quivered.

"The world hates me. If my destiny is planned, good things do not await me."

Claire shrugged.

"Yes, well, what does destiny matter, anyway? We have the power to change our fate."

Jar Jar stood up and gave her a hug.

"I'm going to miss you."

She gulped.

"I'm going to miss you too, but don't be sad. We'll see each other again someday. I know it."

There was an agitated tapping sound, and they turned to see E- hovering outside of the window.

"Claire, can you hurry it up? We have to go."

Claire sighed and turned back to Jar Jar.

"I guess this is it."

"Yeah."

She patted his upper arm unceremoniously.

"Goodbye."

"Goodbye."

She turned to leave, but paused at the door. Sitting back on her haunches, she bit her arm and pulled out a single scale. She let it drop into her front foot and held it out for Jar Jar to take.

"I'm not supposed to change anything about this world, but you should keep this to remember me by."

"I could never forget you."

She gave a half-smile.

"Take it anyway. I know it's not a lightsaber, but it's something."

Jar Jar took the green scale and placed it in his pocket. He gave Claire one last hug, tears brimming at his eyes. When they pulled apart, he was surprised to see her crying as well.

"Claire?"

"I get emotional, sometimes," she sniffled, "Hormones, you know."

Jar Jar nodded.

"I think I know what you mean."

Claire laughed quietly.

"Alright. See you later."

"See you."

He closed the door behind her, then reached into his pocket and rubbed her scale between two fingers. Slowly, he walked over to the window of his apartment and watched the yellow figure of an impatient dragon disappearing into the vast, vast sky. He wasn't sure, but he thought that Claire might have been waving to him as she left.

***TSSWFEW***

Six months later, Claire returned from an advance screening of a major blockbuster. She entered through the front door of her house with slow steps. When she sat down on the living room sofa, she gave a tired sigh and leaned back with exhaustion.

"How was it?"

Claire shrieked. E- was sitting in the corner of the room, and she had probably been waiting there for a very long time.

"What the hell?!" Claire spat, "What are you doing here?"

"I came to investigate something. You invited Voxlemnion to Isla Nublar, yes?"

Claire nodded.

"You've been out of control, lately, and I figured having your son around would help. He's glad to put his work on hold to keep you company."

E- frowned.

"You shouldn't do things behind my back."

"I know. I'm sorry."

E- snuffed, unwilling to give a proper response.

"You never answered my question. How was it?"

"It was alright."

"Good."

The dragon turned away and slipped out the open window.

"Everyone's asleep. I told the sitter she could go. It's only been about fifteen minutes, so don't go blaming me if you discover something went wrong tonight."

"Did it?"

"No."

"Then I won't worry."

"Goodbye, Claire."

"Goobye, Elkay."

When the dragon was gone, Claire lumbered up to her room. She spread herself across the bed, stretching out her aching limbs, and closed her eyes. Try as she might, she couldn't get to sleep. It was a real pain, because she was incredibly tired.

Giving up, she sighed and rolled over. Without really knowing why, she walked over to the window and stared up at the parting clouds. The stars twinkled so brightly that it would have made an astronomer furious because of the atmospheric interference. Oddly enough, one particular star was shining brighter than all the others. This wouldn't have bothered Claire, but after a few seconds, she started to worry. The star was not actually a star, and it was moving towards her. As it approached the house, there was a loud noise that sounded like a plane engine. Claire stared at it with wide eyes, not knowing what to do. She didn't have to wonder for long, because the object landed in the field in front of her house, kicking up a massive geyser of dirt. When the silhouette of a human being became visible against the fire leaping from the crater, Claire dashed out of her room and pattered down the stairs. She reached the door at the exact same time as the man, opening it just as he was about to knock. He seemed a bit dazed, and rightly so, because plumes of smoke were still wafting off of his clothing. When he saw Claire, however, he perked up almost immediately.

"Hi."

Claire blinked in surprise.

"H-Hi? . . ."

"I'm back."

"I . . . I noticed."

"Are you surprised to see me?"

"You _died_ , Owen."

He nodded.

"I did. But I'm back now."

"How?"

"That's a funny story, actually . . ."

He stepped into the light, bowing deeply to make it through the doorway, for on his head was a pair of antlers. Claire stared at his rack with shock.

"You . . . You have things on your head."

"They're called antlers."

"Y- Well, yes, I know what they're called. I'm just wondering why you have them."

Owen exhaled calmly.

"While I was . . . _gone_ . . . I met someone. Reunited with him, technically. I was surprised to see him. Turns out, he died a few years ago. No one contacted me about it. I guess they couldn't have known . . . Anyway, we had a talk, and we sorted out a few things. It was good for me, I think. I have closure now. I still wish things had turned out differently, but . . . No, I don't, actually. I'm glad my life played out exactly the way it did, because of you and Lily. But seeing him up there with nothing to be happy about . . . well, it got me thinking. He had a chance to be part of a family, but he gave it up. I did the exact opposite. We both ended up in the same place, but I had something to be proud of . . ."

Claire nuzzled his chest. He smiled and stroked her snout.

"I don't know why I thought he was the be-all end-all," Owen continued, "Seeing him up there . . . I mean, he was _pathetic_ , Claire. I hate to say it, but it's true. I don't fault him for it, because he _knows_ now. He _knows_ that he never should have left me. He said that he came to visit our house once he had passed. He saw us having dinner. He . . . He tried to sit at the table with us. Can you imagine that, Claire? He wanted to be a part of our family."

Claire frowned suspiciously.

"Are you sure he was telling the truth?"

Owen nodded.

"I'm absolutely positive. I know he was being honest because he started crying. And . . . well, you know. But he looked at us and saw what he had lost . . . what he had given up . . ."

Owen took a deep breath.

"You know, every time he yelled at me, every time he hit me, I thought it was the end of the world. None of that seems to matter now. All of the shit he put me through will never outweigh his sorrow. He has nothing, Claire. Nothing. But I have something. I have a family, I have a home . . ."

"You have antlers . . ."

Owen smiled.

"I do."

"You haven't explained that part yet."

"I'm getting there. See, he was looking at me with the saddest eyes I've ever seen. He begged for forgiveness. I know it sounds impossible, but it's true. I never thought . . . I mean, I had this fantasy where he would come back and say he was sorry and make things right, but I never _thought_ . . ."

He shook his head.

"Well, the short version is that I forgave him. I mean, I already forgave Jar Jar Binks for ruining Star Wars, so it wasn't that hard . . ."

He gulped.

"And he did something I never thought he'd do. He put my needs first. I knew he wanted me to stay, because I'm the only person who cares about him . . . who _remembers_ him, but he sent me back. I don't know how he knew about the magic . . . I mean, _I_ didn't even know . . . so he said to me: I can't give you wings, but you never needed them anyway. You have so much waiting for you down there, because you have friends and family who will never forget that you were a part of their lives."

Claire felt tears pricking at her eyes.

"Oh god . . ."

"That's what _I_ thought, too. It was worse in person, because . . . if you could have _seen_ him . . . how crushed he looked . . . and I knew that once I was gone, he would have no one. Maybe he deserves to be alone. I don't know. But I couldn't let that happen. Before I left, I told Flower and June and Blue to keep him company. They said they'd visit him once in a while. I'm glad. No one should have to be alone."

Claire nodded.

"That's right. I agree."

Owen smiled and placed his hand on her right horn.

"I knew you would. You were always compassionate, even before _I_ was."

"Not always."

"Deep down, you were."

"How do you know?"

"Because you're Claire Dearing, and you are amazing."

They shared a kiss, then gave each other a hug. Claire sniffled and felt tears sliding down her cheeks as she rested her chin on Owen's shoulder.

"God, I missed you . . ."

"Me too," he whispered.

They pulled apart. A quiet sound caught their attention. Across the room, at the base of the staircase, was a small child, who was both human and dinosaur. He stared at his mother with wide, innocent eyes, sucking on his fist. She walked over to him and let him crawl into her arms. When she brought the boy to Owen, they both seemed timid.

"Luke, I want you to meet someone very special," she said, holding the baby up so that he could see his father, "He's been gone for a while, but we just couldn't shake him, could we?"

Owen reached out and held the baby's hand.

"No, you couldn't. You really couldn't."

The infant blinked, then poked his father's nose.

"Da."

And so, after a long period of mourning, things were made right again. But that's how it is for every story, isn't it? Not matter how much sorrow fills a person's life, there will always, _always_ be something good to look forward to. Some people may attribute this to a dinosaur deity, or perhaps an unseen force that governs the galaxy. In truth, happiness comes from within. This is true of Claire, who learned the meaning of sacrifice. This is true of Owen, who learned to let go of the past and embrace his good fortune. Most of all, this is true of Jar Jar Binks, who learned to trust in his ability to do the right thing.

In the end, Jar Jar's greatest treasure was not an overpriced towel or a lightsaber or even the knowledge that he had defeated an evil army. The most precious thing he owned was a small, green scale, which was not special in and of itself, but because it had meaning that only he could understand. The relic was proof that he had friends, that he would _always_ have friends, and no matter what hardships he had to face, that would forever be true. In his life, he had loved and been loved, and that is the most wonderful thing he ever could have hoped for.

 **The End**


End file.
